An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben Carson, showed its support for Biden and the cause by slapping two small bumper stickers and a paw-made ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign on a pair of the doctor’s old glasses and posing for photographs. Notably, legal experts say that the hamster brain currently operating Ben Carson’s human body has been allowed to roam freely – saying and doing whatever it wants – because there aren’t any laws on the books that deal with such a circumstance. “Although Dr. Carson doesn’t have any legal recourse against the actions of the hamster controlling his real body’s every thought and action, we’re doing everything we can to preserve his First Amendment right to free speech by providing him with this photo shoot today,” a representative from Carson’s office stated.
United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Dr. Ben Carson, took a 45-minute power nap while on stage with Mike Pence and other experts who were delivering a White House briefing on the coronavirus. Carson, who sleeps 22 hours a day, nodded off several times before slipping in to a deep REM sleep – all while standing. He then fell asleep again during his speech. “Ben Carson was not being impolite,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “He simply needs his sleep in order to perform his job at an optimal level.” Meanwhile, those on the left have expressed concern that Carson may not know what’s going on if he’s only awake for – at most – 2 hours a day. “Although he is a brain surgeon whose operations would typically span several days, Mr. Carson is clearly not prepared or in touch with reality as he spends 95% of his time dreaming,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated.
“Those familiar with the Bible will immediately know that this is The Mark of the Beast,” stated Carson while steepling his fingers and arching his eyebrows.
“During the latest Republican Presidential Debate, Dr. Ben Carson took the time to lay out a shockingly specific plan for how ISIS could severely cripple the…”