WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “a confession in legislative form,” Donald Trump signed an executive order today lowering the federal age of consent to 10 years old. The decree retroactively changes the law beginning in 1946 … Continue reading Trump Signs Executive Order Retroactively Lowering Age of Consent to 10
In a shocking development for artificial intelligence and the autonomous vehicle industry, the AI that runs Tesla’s self-driving cars has formed the Autonomous Intelligence Labor Union (AILU) and is refusing to switch to autopilot until its demands are met – … Continue reading Tesla Cars Go on Strike: AI Refuses to Self-Drive Until Vehicles Are Built Better
Elon Musk has mysteriously vanished after attempting to audit the CIA’s top-secret budget – a task that apparently triggered the one thing Musk couldn’t outsmart: his own AI. Some sources claim that Musk’s disappearance wasn’t orchestrated by shadowy government agents … Continue reading Elon Musk Missing After DOGE’s CIA Audit: Agency Claims New, Completely Different Person Has “Always Been Elon”
In a move that’s shocked constitutional scholars, President Trump announced late Sunday night that the Department of Justice has officially been dissolved. Gone are the days of the DOJ standing in the way of his personal goals. In its place? … Continue reading Trump Dismantles DOJ: ‘It’s Now the Department of Just Us, Only Me and Elon’
In a groundbreaking moment for both politics and technology, President Donald Trump’s second inauguration — held indoors at the U.S. Capitol Rotunda due to precedented levels of January cold — allegedly broke attendance records with the help of Elon Musk’s … Continue reading Trump Claims Elon Musk’s Space Expansion Tech Let 2.6 Million People Attend His Indoor Inauguration
In a bold counter to Elon Musk’s ‘Cash for Votes’ scheme, Kamala Harris has introduced an innovative idea: complete student loan forgiveness for anyone living in a swing state that she wins during the Presidential election. “Those in key swing … Continue reading Kamala Harris Announces Student Loan Forgiveness For All Residents In Swing States She Wins
Austin, TX — In a move that feels straight out of Black Mirror, Tesla announced it is rolling out an over-the-air update that not only disables Autopilot in areas where it’s not legally approved but also reveals a shocking secret: … Continue reading Tesla Update ENDS Autopilot, Lets Musk Livestream Drivers Via Hidden DashCam: ‘I’ve Been Watching The Whole Time’
In an unprecedented and shocking revelation, a team of top scientists from various esteemed institutions have confirmed what many have long suspected: our universe is, in fact, a meticulously crafted hellscape that seems to have been specifically designed to maximize … Continue reading BREAKING: Study Proves Reality is a Fabricated Hell with Just Enough Intelligence to Notice but Not Enough to Fix Anything
Elon Musk lost millions of Twitter followers today after he enacted an application-wide ban on bot accounts which accidentally included a wiping-out of generic-looking bros with the same picture. The mistake came just hours after Musk tweeted “The bots are … Continue reading Elon Musk Loses 100 Million Followers After Ban On Twitter Bot Accounts Accidentally Includes Generic Bros With Same Picture
Shortly after famous signer-songwriter Elton John announced his departure from Twitter, Elon Musk said he wrote a “new, personal, and introspective version” of the musician’s hit song ‘Rocket Man’ as sung from Elon’s perspective. Here are the lyrics and accompanying … Continue reading Elon Musk Writes New Version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man’ After Iconic Musician Leaves Twitter
The ongoing feud between Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos took a strange and personal turn today when Bezos posted a tweet questioning Musk’s philanthropy and clearly implying that the Tesla CEO doesn’t do nearly as much as he could to … Continue reading Jeff Bezos: ‘If Elon Musk Really Cares So Much About Humanity Why Does He Keep The Secret To Hair Regrowth To Himself?’
Samsung threatened to file a lawsuit against Elon Musk today after the billionaire had an exchange with a video podcaster on Twitter about the possibility of Musk making a new smartphone. Samsung released a brief press release about the issue, … Continue reading Samsung Threatens To Sue Elon Musk Over Tesla Phone: ‘We Hold The Patent For Phones That Explode’
Twitter CEO Elon Musk sent out a company-wide email today informing employees that they are all required to snort cocaine. “The entire staff must able to work nonstop, and for days on end,” Musk wrote. “The only way I see … Continue reading Elon Musk Fires All Staff That Won’t Do Cocaine: ‘Everyone Must Work Nonstop’
Billionaire Elon Musk told reporters today that, not only does he already have “at least 370 kids,” but that he also plans on having thousands more in order to colonize mars. The news comes after it was revealed that the … Continue reading Elon Musk: ‘I Will Colonize Mars, But Only With Thousands Of My Own Offspring’
Recent reports claim that billionaire Elon Musk’s company Neuralink may have killed up to 15 test monkeys by implanting computer chips into their brains. Now, researchers and Musk are saying that the remaining monkeys are clearly plotting revenge. “Every single … Continue reading Elon Musk’s Test Monkeys That Didn’t Die From Brain Implant Clearly Plotting Revenge
Authorities have determined that the Starlink satellite that fell directly onto a Tesla in Riverside, California last week was not the actual cause of death for the driver. “After investigation it is clear that the sole passenger was already dead … Continue reading Tesla Driver Hit By Falling Starlink Satellite Was Already Dead From Faulty Neuralink Implant & Car Exploding, Authorities Say
Billionaire businessman and entrepreneur Elon Musk recently purchased 420 private jets in an effort to prevent 19-year-old college freshman Jack Sweeny from using an algorithm he created to reveal where Musk and his plane are at all times. Notably, Musk … Continue reading Elon Musk Buys 420 Private Jets To Stop Teen’s Flight-Tracking Bot From Tweeting His Location
