A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and wrote down the number 100,000 before holding it up to the president and explaining that this was how many Americans have died. Trump showed no reaction. Staff then rewrote the number by adding a money symbol before it and tacking on a comma with three zeroes after it. “We then showed Mr. Trump the piece of paper, which read $100,000,000, and his eyes got wide,” an aide stated. “We lied and said this is the amount of money Mr. Trump’s businesses would lose if he doesn’t take stronger action.” As of press time Trump was wearing a mask and giving an unrehearsed speech informing citizens of the great and tragic loss of money that he could endure if Americans don’t practice social distancing and wear masks. “Listen up folks! If we don’t take this virus seriously, I will lose a lot of money!” Trump shouted. “You should see the number. It’s beyond comprehension. Many people don’t understand it because there’s a lot of zeroes and a lot of commas in that number, but together we can save my wealth, which has been under attack from the Chinese Virus ever since it escaped from Wuhan.” Advertisements
Dennis Rodman, the former NBA star and longtime buddy of Kim Jong Un, announced today that he will be doing his deceased friend’s hair for his funeral. Rodman said he was contacted by North Korea and informed of the supreme leader’s wishes this morning.
It’s a smart way to recycle while also saying ‘Thanks for playing the game of life! You certainly didn’t win, Sharon, but here’s a fucking trophy.’
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
“It’s an odd hellscape where you can hear people scream as their bones crunch under your boots.”
The former FBI Director enrolled in a pottery class Anderson Cooper attends in an attempt to get him to sit in between his legs while whispering key findings in his ear.