After public outcry over unidentifiable federal agents snagging protesters from their unmarked vans, Attorney General William Barr says that the agents will now be much, much easier for protesters to spot. “Those involved in Operation Legend will now be wearing brown shirts and red armbands,” Barr confirmed. “Agents will also be identifiable by a signature salute, which is performed by extending the right arm from the neck straight out into the air with an open, flat hand.” Barr paused to demonstrate the salute in front of stunned reporters and then continued his explanation. “Tonight, if you can hear over the screaming and gunfire, you may also hear these agents shouting ‘Hail Trump!’ when they salute, but for now we’ve made that optional,” Barr confirmed. “So to reiterate, men in brown shirts with red armbands will be rounding people up in major cities across the nation. So nobody is allowed to be surprised by what comes next, because we really couldn’t be any clearer.”
The Department of Justice’s annual white elephant gift exchange went horribly wrong this year when packages full of white supremacist paraphernalia arrived at the gathering. Attorney General William Barr says the error was an honest mistake. “Its pretty cut and dry. The memo said ‘white elephant’ I thought it said something else,” Attorney General Barr stated. “So I gathered up some items from my desk and around the office and sent it over.” Barr says that, in his defense, most of his friends and coworkers would have loved the gifts.
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
The former FBI Director enrolled in a pottery class Anderson Cooper attends in an attempt to get him to sit in between his legs while whispering key findings in his ear.