(Brookfield, WI) After overeating during her Thanksgiving meal with lots of friends and family, Grandma Gertrude Sullivan will nod off in her comfy recliner for a few hours in a food coma; like she does every year. Just a few days later, she’ll be taken to the hospital where she will test positive for COVID that’s traced back to Thanksgiving. She’ll be put on a ventilator. Not long thereafter, Grandma Sullivan will slip into an actual coma and die.
After sustaining a broken leg and attempting to call out of work this morning, Ronald McDonald was partially guilted and somewhat threatened into working the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Having already squirt blood down most of the 2.5 mile parade route, a steady stream began pouring from the clown’s leg at the intersection of 6th Avenue and 34th Street, at which point McDonald was reprimanded and sent home for even considering coming to work in such a condition.
Vice President Mike Pence had president Trump revoke the pardons for two male turkeys that were set free yesterday after learning they’d stayed together in a room at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel the previous night. The reversal marks the first time that the turkeys weren’t spared since the White House tradition began in 1989. After the turkeys were slain, Pence took them home to stuff and serve at his Thanksgiving dinner. As of press time it’s unclear whether or not the Vice President will stick his head in the oven as well.
President Trump went on a 20-minute rant at a rally in Pittsburgh, PA last night in which he described how the radical left is taking Jesus out of the Thanksgiving turkey preparation process. “They want to stop us, the lefty loons, ” Trump stated. “But we still cook our turkeys in the oven for 3 days and 3 nights just like Jesus was baked in that giant brick oven before being served to the disciples for the Last Supper. Well – baked or broiled – that’s up for debate if you ask the Pilgrim Scholars.” The president then poured hot gravy and cranberry sauce over his head and shouted “the blood of Christ be with you!” To which his supporters replied, “And also with you!” As of press time the president was at Walter Reed Hospital where they are conducting a study to figure out how he became such a stable genius.
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden.
Obama backtracks on promise to spare the lives of innocent turkeys named Tater and Tot – ruining a longstanding American tradition.