The ghost of Robert Meuller, who died a month ago, is trapped on this earthly plane until he can get Attorney General Barr to release his full report.

“It’s fucking infuriating,” Mueller stated. “Because I’d gladly hand the report over to the news media myself, but objects just move right the fuck through me.”

Mueller says his unfinished business is driving him to push past his personal comfort zone.

“I signed up for a pottery class that Anderson Cooper is attending next week,” Mueller confirmed. “If I can get him to snuggle up and sit in between my legs, I can whisper the key findings in his ear and maybe finally understand my sexuality. Two birds, one stone.”

The former FBI Director claims to have died from a heart attack.

“You try watching a video of President Trump beer-bonging a gallon of Vladimir Putin’s hot piss and see if your heart doesn’t explode.”

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