WASHINGTON D.C. – In a shocking medical revelation, Mitch McConnell’s personal doctor, Dr. Felix Mortimer, took to the podium to address the nation about the senator’s “freezing incident,” announcing that he was able to “immediately rule out any possibility of a stroke or heart attack” because he “was aware of the senator’s missing heart and brain.” Mortimer added that the revelation should not be a cause for concern.

“It makes no difference really when you think about it,” Mortimer stated. “In the end Mitch is just like any other politician: cold, thoughtless, heartless and unable to relate to real humans. He fits right in.”