Conservatives Propose Mandatory Silencers To Limit Panic During Mass Shootings

Washington, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events on Capitol Hill, conservatives are pushing to pass gun control legislation with the newly proposed H.U.S.H. act. The bill, which would require all guns sold in the United States to be equipped with permanent silencers, has quickly taken center stage in legislative discussions after last night’s mass shooting in Lewiston, Maine.

The H.U.S.H. act – which stands for ‘Hushing Unpleasant Screams Helps’ focuses on limiting panic to a shorter timeframe for nearby future victims in the vicinity of a mass shooter. Advocates argue that this act could provide Americans with a few extra precious moments of peace before panic sets in.

“If they have close to zero warning, they will not be incredibly afraid during their last moments,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz stated.

As debates unfold, the discussions about this act are not limited to just its intended effects. Some experts suggest that these moments of quiet may, in fact, result in unforeseen health benefits, such as reduced stress levels and fewer heart attacks as a result of not being able to hear the repeated sound of screams and gunshots. The legislation has sparked heated debates within the Republican Party itself with Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene vehemently opposing the bill.

“This is a clear violation of real American’s First and Second Amendment rights at the same time!” Greene shouted “God-fearing and patriotic Americans know that ‘Shall Not Be Infringed’ means you cannot silence our free speech which is often expressed by the loud, repeated pops and bangs that come from our guns!”

Meanwhile, the NRA has vocalized strong support as the bill, if passed, would help to sell billions of dollars in newly required gun parts. As of press time, at least 7 Republican Congresspersons have purchased large quantities of stock in various gun manufacturing companies that produce silencers.

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