When asked again today by reporters why he wouldn’t set a good example for the country by wearing a mask, president Trump angered many with his response. “I’m tired of the mask question. You know who should really be wearing a mask? Ugly women,” Trump stated. “Cover up those dog faces, use a paper bag for all I care. Okay? I don’t care how you do it, just cover it up.” NPR reporter Amanda Jackson fired back with a follow up question, asking “But Mr. president, you’re morbidly obese and unnaturally orange, so by your standards shouldn’t you be wearing a mask too?” Visibly upset, Trump made a dismissive hand gesture toward Jackson, said he wouldn’t be taking any more questions, and walked away from the podium. Moments later White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany gave a statement defending the president. “Mr. Trump is rightfully upset with and tired of the mask questions. Wearing a mask is a personal choice that the president makes for himself on a daily basis,” McEnany stated. “Having said that, the president was just being facetious when he said only certain women should be wearing a mask. So grow up, it was a joke.” Shortly thereafter Trump contradicted McEnany and doubled down by tweeting out: As of press time the United States was still ranked the worst at dealing with COVID-19 among first world countries, but experts point out that this is to be expected considering the country is on day 1,264 of having no leadership. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Sources inside the White House revealed today that president Trump refuses to wear a mask because he is afraid of the R.L. Stine children’s horror book The Haunted Mask in which a Halloween mask slowly becomes part of the main character’s face and they are unable to remove it. “Ever since reading this Goosebumps book back in 1993, Mr. Trump hasn’t been comfortable putting any sort of mask on his face as he is terrified that it will become permanently attached,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “I think we all need to respect the president and not mock him for his fear.” McEnany also noted something that might explain Trump’s skin color. “The president covers himself in Goo Gone – America’s number one adhesive remover – every morning to ensure that nothing can become stuck to his body. You might think it’s funny, but so far it’s worked.”
In perhaps his boldest move in years, Russian president Vladimir Putin admitted today that he had placed a bounty on the heads of American troops in Afghanistan. The cavalier admission comes less than a day after Russia vehemently denied the accusations. “What does it really matter at this point? There are too many strings attached to America’s so-called leader,” Putin stated. “that orange puppet won’t do shit.” When reached for a statement, the Trump administration said that it “will be responding to Putin’s shocking claims just as soon as Russia provides the official talking points.”
Advertised as the answer to free speech suppression on social media, Parler has outpaced every other two-star rated app designed for people who want to share racist, sexist, and homophobic content without repercussions. Parler, which exists as a rejection of Twitter’s culture of banning despicable users, is now the go-to place when you want to find similarly depraved people who become giddy at the sight of tactless, lowbrow material. “Parler is a safe haven for the hardworking, upstanding bigots who just want to let their bottled up hate out into a friendly and welcoming environment,” founder John Matze stated. “Social justice warriors wield no power here as sympathy and empathy have zero leverage on Parler. Our cold, unfeeling moderators will not allow a community of liberal snowflakes to punish users for showing their true colors.” Despite attempting to become the final solution for alt-right social media, as of press time, Parler users were still being fired from their jobs for posting deeply insensitive content on the platform because, apparently, social rules for common decency still apply to hate speech within the confines of perceived safe spaces.
During an evening address at the Vatican, Pope Francis made remarks on the coronavirus and the state of the world that included harsh words for US president Donald Trump and his supporters. “Truly I tell you, there is a reason why the virus continues to harm the United States to such a great extent,” Francis stated while wearing a Black Lives Matter mask. “It is a direct rebuke from God and science of the Trump administration and all of its lies. Having spoken at length with the Lord, I am confident that anyone who still supports Mr. Trump must be plain evil at worst, or really fucking stupid at best. You can be a man of God or you can follow a Godless man, but I say unto you, you cannot do both.” Francis concluded his short address by pleading with Americans to wear face masks. “Much like the Devil, this virus is invisible, insidious, and infectious. But, just like prayer, a mask can help to shield us from this evil. And if I’m being honest, I’m not entirely confident that prayer does anything, but science clearly shows that wearing a mask does,” Francis stated. “So the bottom line is this, by not wearing a mask you are giving Satan easy access to stick his coronavirus-infected phallus – and all of his lies – right down your throat. And when you do that, there’s no room for Jesus inside of you.”
Kentucky election officials stunned voters this morning when they announced that the only functioning voting machine for Louisville had been relocated “somewhere inside of Mammoth Cave” – the world’s longest cave system. Officials say that malfunctioning equipment and understaffing lead the election board to search for one large, last-minute, nearby location where everyone could fit. “With a city of 600,000 people we had to find a venue that could support the large numbers while being able to allow for proper social distancing,” one official confirmed. “So bring your lanterns, flashlights, helmets, some food and water because there’s only one voting machine in there – and wouldn’t ya know – we lost it!” As of press time countless citizens were desperately searching for their right to vote.
President Trump accidentally voided his bowels during a campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma today. The violent episode of explosive diarrhea occurred during a part of his speech about loyalty to the country in which Trump also spoke out against Democratic Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley. “You’ve got these brown foreigners from my shithole… these shithole countries trying to invade… trying to invade my…” a wide-eyed Trump paused. “My pants!” Trump then cut his speech short and shuffled sideways offstage. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany denied that President Trump had drained his swamp on stage, stating “If you’re wearing a diaper, and you’re wearing it correctly – which today he was – then the fecal matter technically does not touch the pants, and therefore, one could not say that the president shit his pants.” Photo Credit Matt Johnson