In a narrow 151-139 vote, Iranian Parliament voted today to allow women to star in pornography. Up until today, women had been barred from appearing in any adult films or printed magazines. “No longer will we have to dress young men as women in order to shoot our films,” Iranian President Hassan Rouhani smiled. “No longer will we have to pretend that we aren’t masturbating to thinly-veiled gay porn.” Going forward, Rouhani says that any citizen caught viewing the old Iranian porn will be stoned to death for being a homosexual. Advertisements
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?
Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democrats announced today that they plan to push forward with the collection of evidence in an effort to lube up Republicans across the aisle and get them to impeach president Trump. “We want to give them a nice tug toward impeachment by repeatedly edging them closer and closer with new facts,” Pelosi stated. “Once we’re certain they can’t hold back from shouting ‘Yea!’, we’ll finish ’em off by sticking the articles of impeachment up in there and bring this all to a surprising and satisfying climax.”
Hellbent on completing their witch hunt in a timely manner, Democrats showed up at Donald Trump’s rally in Battle Creek, Michigan tonight; torches in hand. The mob burst on stage, interrupting Trump who was honoring a military dog. The president was quickly stripped of his clothes and laid out on the floor as Democrats lined up with heavy rocks to stack on Trump’s chest. Rally-goers, who were asked to leave their firearms outside of the event, could only watch in horror as Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer, and other House Democrats piled rock after rock; causing the president to audibly expel copious amounts of gas. As of press time, a pyramid of at least 30 rocks had already been amassed on top of Trump’s man-boobs and rotund belly.
Democrats threw Republican members of the House for a loop today when they caried out all of the impeachment proceedings in Spanish. Republican critics are calling the Democrat’s actions both an abuse of power and an obstruction of Congress. “We obviously couldn’t tell what we were voting on,” Republican Representative Kevin McCarthy stated. “So we waited to see if the Democrats were voting ‘Sí’ or ‘No’ and then just voted the opposite.” The strategy seems to have worked so far as Republicans only once accidentally voted ‘Sí’ on a motion to refer to president Trump as “la pequeña perra anaranjado.”
President Trump announced today that he may not participate in the 2020 Presidential Debates after realizing that he’s used up every last one of his best words. “I’ve said ’em all folks. All of my best, most tremendous words. Every single one of them,” Trump stated. “Bigly, Nazzies, yuge, Chjy-na, covfefe; and anything I tried to say while my dentures were falling out. That’s all I got.”
While taking questions from the press outside of 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson shocked the crowd when he offered to teach Donald Trump how to win an election. “I’ll show Mr. Trump how it’s done without foreign help. I’ll be his tutor.” A disheveled, grinning Johnson stated. “We can both be abrasive pricks and still win elections.” In response, president Trump declined Johnson’s offer telling reporters, “Gotta love Boris! Crazy Boris! Someone tell him ‘Thanks for the offer and congrats on the win, but I’m already working with another country’.”