When asked today how he felt about the Trumps not following tradition and inviting his family to the White House, Joe Biden told reporters that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. “It’s no skin off my nose! We all know the man’s a chicken-hearted, white-livered chucklehead,” Biden laughed. “He’s all hat and no cattle. And he can try to avoid me all he wants, but I promise that I’ll be visiting Trump when he goes to prison. Because I’m a considerate guy like that.” When reached for comment, the White House released a statement saying that they didn’t know which crimes Joe Biden was accusing the president of committing. “If Joe Biden thinks Donald Trump committed a crime, then he’s going to have to be a lot more specific so we can address his particular claims because right now there are literally dozens of open court cases and lawsuits against the President.”
Hundreds of pigeons bearing handwritten messages from Donald Trump were released from the White House today after Trump was banned from Twitter and nearly every other social media site. The president – who was annoyed by the birds flying around and shitting on him in the Oval Office – had the birds’ wings clipped, thus preventing them from flying and essentially banning himself from using pigeons as a method of communication. Notably, experts have pointed out that the birds weren’t even carrier pigeons. As of press time nearly 1,000 now-flightless birds were walking around and defecating on the White House’s North Lawn.
In a rare Sunday vote, Congress managed to pass a stimulus bill that will send one hundred $6 checks to every American. “Although we couldn’t agree on a higher amount, we did come to the conclusion that one hundred checks would make a much bigger impact, visually speaking,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “So I hope your mailbox is big enough, because they’re all coming at once!” Meanwhile president Trump called the bill “a huge step in the right direction.” “If my math checks out, that’s $6,000 for every American citizen,” Trump smiled. “I asked for $2,000, I get $6,000!” As of press time, the US Postal Service announced that the undertaking was literally impossible. Photo credit Bjoertvedt .
According to his wife and several sources close to him, Ted Cruz went missing today right after news broke that the Zodiac Killer’s cypher was cracked. Authorities say that they found Cruz’s shitty beard hair shaved off in a bathroom trash can of his Texas home. “The general public is being warned to look out for a creepy, baby-faced Ted Cruz who is now our prime suspect in the Zodiac murders,” an official statement read. “Everyone in the country always knew something was off about him – now we know why. So we’re offering up $100,000 to anyone who assists in the capture of Mr. Cruz. We’ll make it $250,000 if he’s knocked unconscious so we don’t have to talk to him.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the administration that downplayed the severity of the coronavirus. Experts say the rush to approval has only worked to lower confidence levels in the vaccine. “It’s imperative that Dr. Hahn approve the vaccine today! As we’ve said before, the virus is totally under control and no worse than the flu, but we need the vaccine right fucking now! We also want to remind the general public that the virus will go away on its own. So I mean, it’s whatever, but Hahn better do what we say or we’re firing that worthless piece of shit,” Meadows shouted. “Even though COVID will disappear like a miracle, and even though it’s a hoax – a viral lie that swept the globe – Dr. Hahn will be shitcanned if people aren’t getting injected by tomorrow,” Meadows stated. “If we don’t get what we want we may just pause testing altogether which would actually drop case levels drastically; possibly even better than a vaccine. So to be clear, if Dr. Hahn doesn’t approve the Pfizer vaccine today, which we don’t even need, then he will be out on his ass.”
President Trump told reporters today that he was open to the idea of becoming president of any states that want to secede from the union. The comment came after reporters asked the president what he thought about conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh stating that “there cannot be a peaceful coexistence between liberals and conservatives,” and that “we’re trending toward secession.” “What we have here is a deeply divided country. I mean, they mostly voted for me, but we’re heavily divided.” Trump stated. “So if it comes down to it, I’d love to be president of the new Confederate States of America. If that’s what the people want, we should give it to them!”
A desperate, broke Donald Trump was overheard shouting “C’mon baby! Donny needs a new set of results!” as he rolled the dice again by sending yet another $3 million to Wisconsin to recount votes for a second time. “The president has a real problem and it’s quite sad,” one staffer confirmed. “Mr. Trump’s recount addiction has him stuck in a never-ending cycle of lies and deliberate distortion of facts. Unfortunately his supporters are enabling him as they keep giving the president donations whenever he asks.” Indeed, shortly after blowing another $3 million in Wisconsin, Trump made yet another plea for money. “I can get back all of those lost votes in Georgia and Pennsylvania if you just give me a couple million dollars,” a wild-eyed Trump told his followers “I swear, I’m good for it! Just send me the money and I’ll pay you back with a victory.” Photo Credit Michael Vadon