Karen Pence says she will only allow her husband to debate Kamala Harris if she can sit on stage between the two candidates and “make sure that Mike doesn’t give in to sexual temptations.” Shortly after the news broke, Joe Biden gave a statement to reporters. “Who we have in office right now is a president that brags about grabbing women by the pussy, and a vice president who can’t even speak to women without adult supervision,” Biden stated while sniffing at a female staffer’s nape. “It’s wild. I mean, what’s with all these men who can’t control themselves?” Notably, the conditions set by Karen Pence mark the first time she has ever expressed concern that her husband might show an ounce of warmth toward a Black woman. As of press time, Karen was demanding to speak to the top authorities at the University of Utah – where the debate will be held – to make sure that she is given a comfortable chair at center stage.
Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting sick, let me reassure you,” Pence smiled, “there will be many, many more kids gunned down this school year than will be killed by any virus.” Pushing back, the CDC pointed out that many children will in fact die from COVID-19, that kids will undoubtedly spread the disease to high risk people who will also die, that school-wide outbreaks are inevitable, and that cancelling the school year would result in zero school shootings. “It is sad that we can’t open schools on time, but if we had followed social distancing and face mask rules over the past several months, maybe we could have,” a message from the CDC read. “It’s hard to believe that the unintelligent are literally killing the rest of us, but it serves as a grave reminder that we need to fix our widespread educational problems. Sadly, at this point, we look forward to a time when bodies are only piling up because of bullets.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The White House announced today that they will be issuing a mandate requiring families with school-aged children to send at least one child to school as tribute for a school reopening experiment. “Because our nation is so divided right now we decided to take a middle-of-the-road approach,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “Now families will be able to pick which child they would like to send to school while keeping the other ones at home.” Notably, families with just one child will be entered into a lottery system that will randomly select the kids that will have to attend classes. The names will be drawn at large, mandatory gatherings called ‘reapings’. “A reaping is an event that will take place in every school district before the school year,” Pence stated. “At the reaping, children without siblings are randomly chosen to attend classes in the upcoming school year. As of right now we are thinking that each district will simply select names from glass bowls.” Additionally, blood tests will be administered to all children who will attend classes to check for coronavirus and to confirm their identities. When asked by reporters for details on the rest of the school reopening plan, Pence stated “President Trump hasn’t gotten to that chapt… er… we’ll have more details to share with the American people very shortly.”
Vice President Mike Pence modeled the new version of the United States Space Force uniform for photographers today after the administration was deeply criticized for using camouflage uniforms for outer space missions. “These lightweight, durable, leather harness uniforms are sleek and form fitting, but non-restrictive,” Pence stated. “I’ve been wearing something similar for years, so I can attest to the craftsmanship.” Photo credit torbakhopper
President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old.
It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president Trump delivered an energetic, rambling speech before inviting Mike Pence to snort a line of coke out of his ass crack on national television. “I’m going to drop ’em Mike!” Trump yelled while tugging down on his pants.” Before a bright red and sweaty Pence could reluctantly decline the offer, Trump had already yanked his pants off on the White House’s West Lawn; exposing his lightly soiled, off-white underwear.
Vice President Mike Pence had president Trump revoke the pardons for two male turkeys that were set free yesterday after learning they’d stayed together in a room at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel the previous night. The reversal marks the first time that the turkeys weren’t spared since the White House tradition began in 1989. After the turkeys were slain, Pence took them home to stuff and serve at his Thanksgiving dinner. As of press time it’s unclear whether or not the Vice President will stick his head in the oven as well.