In a morning news conference with reporters former president Donald Trump took the better part of an hour to share his own personal war story that he referred to as “The Battle of The Bone Spurs.”

“People were coming at me from left and right. Every angle folks, every angle,” a wide-eyed Trump shouted. “And just as the Enlisting Forces were about to take me captive, and likely kill me, because they’re killers these people; I evaded the enemy with a doctor’s note.”

“So am I a hero?” Trump grinned while placing an imitation Purple Heart around his own neck. “I don’t know. You tell me. But I am.”