Satan has one more soul today after talented country music legend Charlie Daniels passed away in a Nashville hospital this morning from a stroke. God says that Daniels’ famous song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” was the main reason that the singer-songwriter will spend an eternity burning in hell. “For decades Daniels has been encouraging young men everywhere to make a deal with the Devil,” God stated. “But when that song peaked at number three on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1979, it was clear that Daniels had forgotten about the three most important people: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I want to send a clear message that there’s no winning when you make a deal with the Devil.” Upon hearing that Charlie Daniels would be tortured in hell for all eternity, countless country fans became outraged with God accusing the deity of not being able to separate reality from farcical storytelling. Advertisements
A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and wrote down the number 100,000 before holding it up to the president and explaining that this was how many Americans have died. Trump showed no reaction. Staff then rewrote the number by adding a money symbol before it and tacking on a comma with three zeroes after it. “We then showed Mr. Trump the piece of paper, which read $100,000,000, and his eyes got wide,” an aide stated. “We lied and said this is the amount of money Mr. Trump’s businesses would lose if he doesn’t take stronger action.” As of press time Trump was wearing a mask and giving an unrehearsed speech informing citizens of the great and tragic loss of money that he could endure if Americans don’t practice social distancing and wear masks. “Listen up folks! If we don’t take this virus seriously, I will lose a lot of money!” Trump shouted. “You should see the number. It’s beyond comprehension. Many people don’t understand it because there’s a lot of zeroes and a lot of commas in that number, but together we can save my wealth, which has been under attack from the Chinese Virus ever since it escaped from Wuhan.”
Reaching over 2″ long and packing a body-tissue-destroying sting, the Murder Hornet has been sent to North America as yet another “Fuck You!” from God Himself. Bringing a higher volume and worse toxicity of venom than any other hornet species, the good and merciful Lord’s creation can sting repeatedly – causing tissue necrosis, anaphylactic shock, respiratory issues, extreme pain, blood clots, and liver damage. Murder Hornets are Jesus’ flying venom snakes. The insects are extremely territorial; attacking and consuming any large insect that comes across their path. Yet, in all of His wisdom, God created the Murder Hornet to favor the killing of endangered honeybees – an insect that pollinates around 35% of all crops raised for human consumption. The good Lord’s insidious invertebrate will mercilessly decapitate these bees, chewing their thoraxes into a ball of carnage to return to feed their demon larvae babies. Over time, the killings will inevitably result in crop failure and human starvation. Experts say that if all goes according to His plan, God willing, all humans should be eradicated from the planet by 2035.
Political experts announced today that the number of right wing COVID-deniers, conservative beach-goers, and self-proclaimed “liberators” in Florida is high enough to flip the state blue in the 2020 election – but it’s for a morbid reason. “Unfortunately we’re about to see a lot of morons die in Florida,” Stanford Political Science Professor Susan Watkins stated. “There’s no other way to put it. Within the next month, as these unfathomably ignorant people succumb to the virus, it’s safe to say that Florida will become a blue state.” In response, the Trump administration is beginning to call for early voting in Florida to start as soon as next week so that more conservatives in the state have a chance to vote before they die. The president has also made a complete 180-degree turn and started pushing for mail-in ballots, despite his own claims that the voting method is easily tampered with.
An in-depth study by the University of California-Berkeley revealed today that the number of Americans who drown in a swimming pool last year far surpassed the amount of people who have ever received any helpful advice from Dr. Phil. “In the United States alone, 3,536 people drown in a pool last year,” head researcher Brian Fardango stated. “While any number is too high when talking about death, this amount of pool-related deaths is still far higher than the number of people who have ever received useful advice from ‘Dr. Phil’ who is unlicensed to practice any form of medicine.” “Additionally, we estimate that of the 3,536 people who drown in a swimming pool last year, at least half of them met their demise by directly following advice from Dr. Phil himself,” Fardango stated. Researchers at Berkeley also noted that those who did claim to have benefit from Dr. Phil’s advice already had brain activity similar to those who had been found floating face-down in a swimming pool.
Morgues across the United States are preparing for the next three days of death and carnage as Daylight Savings Time (DST) is upon us once again. The annual extreme spike in American deaths was first directly linked to DST by a Swedish study in 2008 which found that the chances of having a heart attack goes way up in the first three weekdays after changing over to DST in spring. “Not only are the number of heart attacks tripled, but the time change is also responsible for a sizable increase in traffic deaths on the following Monday,” mortician Gregory Daines grinned. “On top of this, there are more severe workplace injuries and unfortunate miscarriages in the days following the start of Daylight Savings Time.” “It’s a great time of year to be in the death business,” Daines stated while steepling his fingers. “Hopefully I’ll make enough money to take a trip to somewhere outside of my basement this year, and maybe have a morgue-arita or three.”
Leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) pleaded with people across the globe today to stop rubbing their eyeballs together. WHO says the act is the fastest and easiest way to spread the coronavirus. “It’s common practice in many parts of the world to greet friends and strangers alike by getting really close and slowly rubbing your eyeballs together,” WHO Director Tedros Adhanom stated. “We must immediately drop these niceties in order to defeat the coronavirus.” Despite the warning from WHO, many people have carried on with the traditional greeting, which is also the most common way to get pink eye. Importantly, WHO strongly recommends placing condoms over your eyelids if you insist on continuing to say “hi” with your eyes.