Tag: Death

celebrities, Elon Musk, Technology, U.S. NewsLeave a comment
tesla driver hit by starlink satellite already dead from nueralink implant and car exploding

Tesla Driver Hit By Falling Starlink Satellite Was Already Dead From Faulty Neuralink Implant & Car Exploding, Authorities Say

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Authorities have determined that the Starlink satellite that fell directly onto a Tesla in Riverside, California last week was not the actual cause of death for the driver. “After investigation it is clear that the sole passenger was already dead … Continue reading Tesla Driver Hit By Falling Starlink Satellite Was Already Dead From Faulty Neuralink Implant & Car Exploding, Authorities Say

Animal Rights, Animals, Crime, Entertainment NewsLeave a comment

Aging Joe Exotic To Be Put Down & Buried Behind Jail To Make Room For Younger, Healthier Inmates

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Jailed business man and entertainer Joe Exotic of “Tiger King” fame is set to be executed and buried behind the jail he has been incarcerated in next week. The decision to kill him was issued by a federal judge during … Continue reading Aging Joe Exotic To Be Put Down & Buried Behind Jail To Make Room For Younger, Healthier Inmates

Entertainment News, money, TelevisionLeave a comment

Wheel Of Fortune Adds ‘Death Slot’ After Seeing Success Of Squid Game

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The long-running, popular American TV game show Wheel of Fortune has updated its iconic wheel by replacing the ‘Bankruptcy’ slot with ‘DEATH.’ Due to the changes, players will now have a 1 in 24 chance of being executed by host … Continue reading Wheel Of Fortune Adds ‘Death Slot’ After Seeing Success Of Squid Game

Death, Donald Trump, U.S. News, VaccineLeave a comment

Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning

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Former president Donald Trump announced his “own brand” of vaccine today that was immediately rejected by the scientific community after being identified as literal snake oil. Despite what experts are saying, millions of Republicans have lined up to take the … Continue reading Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning

Business, Entertainment News, Kim Kardashian, TelevisionLeave a comment
immeasurably satisfying keeping up with the kardashians finale depicts every cast member dying dies

Immeasurably Satisfying Keeping Up With The Kardashians Finale Depicts Every Cast Member Dying

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Critics are calling it “the most enjoyable finale in history” as the Keeping Up With The Kardashians reality TV show ended today with Caitlyn Jenner losing control of her car, running the family over, swerving off of a cliff and … Continue reading Immeasurably Satisfying Keeping Up With The Kardashians Finale Depicts Every Cast Member Dying

Business, Entertainment News, Food, Health & WellnessLeave a comment
guy fieri new contract 80 million or until he dies from heart attack

Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack

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The Food Network announced today that they have come to an agreement with Guy Fieri on a new contract after a two week long discussion and multiple doctor’s visits to check up on Fieri’s health. Because of test results, the … Continue reading Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack

Coronavirus, COVID-19, Death, Food, Thanksgiving, U.S. NewsLeave a comment
Grandmas food coma turns into real coma after thanksgiving

Grandma’s Food Coma Followed By Actual Coma, Death This Thanksgiving

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(Brookfield, WI) After overeating during her Thanksgiving meal with lots of friends and family, Grandma Gertrude Sullivan will nod off in her comfy recliner for a few hours in a food coma; like she does every year. Just a few … Continue reading Grandma’s Food Coma Followed By Actual Coma, Death This Thanksgiving

Coronavirus, Death, Health & Wellness, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating

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Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before … Continue reading Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating

Crime, sex, U.S. News3 Comments
Epstein digs up and hangs himself again after cemetery night watchmen forget to monitor his tomb

Epstein digs up and hangs himself again after cemetery night watchmen forget to monitor his burial site

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The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make … Continue reading Epstein digs up and hangs himself again after cemetery night watchmen forget to monitor his burial site

Business, Coronavirus, Health & Wellness, Healthcare, money, U.S. NewsLeave a comment
Staffers Add Money Sign Comma Three Zeroes to Death Toll to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously

Staffers Add Dollar Sign, Comma & Three Zeroes to Death Toll in Attempt to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously

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A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and … Continue reading Staffers Add Dollar Sign, Comma & Three Zeroes to Death Toll in Attempt to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously

Animals, U.S. News4 Comments

God Hates Us: Swarms of Giant Asian ‘Murder Hornets’ Arrive in North America Because, Why the Fuck Not?

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Reaching over 2″ long and packing a body-tissue-destroying sting, the Murder Hornet has been sent to North America as yet another “Fuck You!” from God Himself. Bringing a higher volume and worse toxicity of venom than any other hornet species, … Continue reading God Hates Us: Swarms of Giant Asian ‘Murder Hornets’ Arrive in North America Because, Why the Fuck Not?

Coronavirus, election, Election 2020, Florida, Politics, Vote, VotingLeave a comment
Enough Floridians have died from coronavirus to flip state blue

BREAKING: Enough Floridians Will Die From the Coronavirus to Flip the State Blue

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Political experts announced today that the number of right wing COVID-deniers, conservative beach-goers, and self-proclaimed “liberators” in Florida is high enough to flip the state blue in the 2020 election – but it’s for a morbid reason. “Unfortunately we’re about … Continue reading BREAKING: Enough Floridians Will Die From the Coronavirus to Flip the State Blue

Coronavirus, Health & Wellness, Healthcare, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Study: More Americans Drown in Swimming Pools Last Year Than Have Ever Received Useful Advice From Dr. Phil

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An in-depth study by the University of California-Berkeley revealed today that the number of Americans who drown in a swimming pool last year far surpassed the amount of people who have ever received any helpful advice from Dr. Phil. “In … Continue reading Study: More Americans Drown in Swimming Pools Last Year Than Have Ever Received Useful Advice From Dr. Phil

Health & Wellness, Healthcare, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

“Please Stop Rubbing Your Eyeballs Together,” WHO Pleads as Coronavirus Spreads

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Leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) pleaded with people across the globe today to stop rubbing their eyeballs together. WHO says the act is the fastest and easiest way to spread the coronavirus. “It’s common practice in many parts … Continue reading “Please Stop Rubbing Your Eyeballs Together,” WHO Pleads as Coronavirus Spreads