“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.” Continue reading Trump Marries Kellyanne Conway, Calls Her Ex-Husband a [Expletive]-Faced Monkey-[Expletive]
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.” Continue reading Starbucks is Offering FREE Tattoos This Weekend
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker Continue reading Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi Continue reading Breaking: Extremism Ban Passes US House & Senate
“Milwaukee should brace itself for about 700 campaign rallies in the next 603 days.” – Gov. Tony Evers Continue reading Democrats to Occupy Wisconsin Until 2020 Election
“You’ve got some bad drivers down here in Opelika!” Continue reading 27 Cars Nearly Crash Into President Trump’s Motorcade
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.” Continue reading Elon Musk & The Rock Are Costarring in an Adult Film
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.” Continue reading Leaked! White House Security Briefing Shows Insanity in Trump Administration
An attempt to clue the Vice President in using his teleprompter backfired; resulting in Pence aggressively shouting “There’s a tail sticking out of your ass” in the middle of an impassioned speech on moral decay in America. Continue reading Oblivious Mike Pence Wears Furry Tail to CPAC
“In retrospect, I picked the wrong book to read to them.” Louisiana Governor John Edwards stated. “I chose Seuss’ first published work The Pocket Book of Boners and by the time I finished reading the title all hell had broken loose.” Continue reading Americans Shatter Book-Burning Record on Read Across America Day
“This isn’t about racism,” Trump stated. “It’s about my tiny dick.” Continue reading Trump: “We All Know I Would Never Kiss a Black Woman”
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.” Continue reading Patriots Owner Caught in Massive Cheese-Fetish Pornography Ring
The Senator began the livestream by saying “Hold on a sec, I’m going to go grab my bong,” before exiting the shot and flipping on ‘Kaya’ by Bob Marley. Continue reading Down-to-Earth Elizabeth Warren Hits Rick and Morty Bong on Instagram Livestream
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated. Continue reading Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump Continue reading Trump: “Let’s All Just Say Half of the Pledge and Call It a Day”
Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character. Continue reading Senator Cory Booker & Elmo Remind Americans: “Despite Incredibly Hot Beard, Ted Cruz is Still a Douche”
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.” Continue reading Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,” Continue reading A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians
