SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our mission successfully, we’ve decided to remain in space until the US can get its shit together,” Behnken stated. “Maybe if our country had some semblance of a comprehensive plan to defeat the virus we’d be coming back.” Fellow astronaut Douglas Hurley echoed Behnken’s statement. “No one in their right mind would return to that chaos when they could just float around and wait it out up here instead,” Hurley confirmed while sporting a Black Lives Matter shirt. “It’s likely we won’t return until president Trump is no longer in office because – let’s face it – nothing is getting better. In fact, it’s only getting worse down there.”
17-year old Brighton Phillips of Peoria, Arizona won an internship with NASA his senior year of high school and drove all the way to Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland. On his first full day, Phillips was tasked with examining the brightness of a star through NASA’s Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite (TESS). Only one day into his internship, he discovered Heaven. After verifying Phillip’s work, NASA announced on their website the existence of Heaven and published a paper with the young man’s findings. “I just had to adjust the zoom and direction we were facing so we weren’t gazing into outer space. I looked just above Earth’s clouds and sure enough there was Heaven,” Phillips stated. “I first got the initial glimpse and thought, ‘Oh man, that looks so cool,’ but then when I looked at the full image, my lab mate and I noticed we were looking right at an old man, and he was naked.” According to NASA, Phillips then panned around and found that Heaven was mostly full of nude, elderly people. “No one was wearing any clothes and the average age was somewhere around 73,” Phillips confirmed. “So I guess we all have that to look forward to.”
NASA is in hot water again today after providing female astronauts with high heels for the first all-female spacewalk outside of the International Space Station. After not having enough spacesuits for women for a canceled mission earlier this year, NASA is now facing criticism for blatant sexism from several women’s rights groups. To make matters worse, the astronauts caused damage to the exterior of the space station when a Christian Louboutin heel shattered a $1.7 million solar panel and punctured a backup pressure valve. As a gesture of good faith, NASA says they’re sending up rolls of quarters for the women to use in the feminine hygiene dispensers.
Armstrong says he didn’t really need to pee, but that he was pranked by NASA…
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”