“The geriatric cyborgs have two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.
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Harvard Study Reveals that All Homophobic Men are Gay
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
Samsung Announces its Cheaper, Single-Use Galaxy 1-Fold
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.
Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
Pfizer Releases Pills that Slowly Deduct Money from Your Bank Account
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference.
Google & Pampers Partner to Make ‘Pampers Glass’ Diapers
“Now it will look like you want to pay attention to your baby.”
Introducing Samsung Soft: The Smart TV that you can Punch
Samsung Soft: Televisions You Can Beat the Living **** Out Of.
Volvo Unveils Controversial Car Designed ‘Exclusively for Women’
“Volvo states that “physically, the cars will be exactly the same as current models; however…”
New iPhone Application Encourages Users to Drive Drunk
“You are swerving,” the program warns, ” try closing one eye.”
Additionally, there are several celebrity voice options to choose from, such as: Mel Gibson, Betty White, and Lindsey Lohan, to name a few.
While driving, your phone will tell you how many miles you have left to your destination, all the while, reciting
Suicide Rates Peak as Technology Hits 3rd World Countries
Man versus Food has been cited as one of the main causes of death. A show in which one bloated, obese, and sweaty man stuffs his face with ridiculous amounts of food, often to the point of vomiting. One Zambian, Sonkwe Meluhli, has seen half of her family members end their lives.
