McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines Also Broken In The Metaverse

“If you happen to see a working ice cream machine at a McDonald’s just know that you are not in the metaverse and that you are not in reality, Kempczinski warned. “You’re somewhere else and you need to somehow wake up or get the hell out!” Continue reading McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines Also Broken In The Metaverse

NASA To Turn 450-Ton, Non-Recyclable International Space Station Into ‘Somebody Else’s Problem’ By Crashing It Into The Ocean

The head of NASA announced today that the organization plans to get rid of the aging International Space Station (ISS) by “purposely crashing it into the Pacific Ocean” sometime in January of 2031. NASA says that the decision was made … Continue reading NASA To Turn 450-Ton, Non-Recyclable International Space Station Into ‘Somebody Else’s Problem’ By Crashing It Into The Ocean

Unimpressed: Richard Branson Said He Was ‘Over Space’ Only Seconds Into Weightlessness

Sources are reporting that billionaire Richard Branson quickly became bored with today’s space flight just seconds after passengers began experiencing weightlessness. “The spaceship was at the top of its flight path, 50-plus miles high, suspended in weightlessness while allowing the … Continue reading Unimpressed: Richard Branson Said He Was ‘Over Space’ Only Seconds Into Weightlessness

Google: “We’ll buy Fitbit as soon as they remove all the masturbation data”

Google announced today that they’ve offered to buy Fitbit for $2.1 billion as soon as the company can isolate and remove all data derived from user masturbation. Google says they plan to implement the “fap-free data” in their wearable technology. … Continue reading Google: “We’ll buy Fitbit as soon as they remove all the masturbation data”

Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones

“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO Continue reading Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones

Harvard Study Reveals that All Homophobic Men are Gay

“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.” Continue reading Harvard Study Reveals that All Homophobic Men are Gay