NASA To Launch Ted Cruz 15,000 MPH Into Asteroid To Test Defenses

NASA announced today that it will be launching Texas Senator Ted Cruz into space next month in an attempt to redirect an asteroid that will pass nearby Earth. Scientists say Cruz’s body will not be put inside a capsule, but rather simply strapped to an office chair.

Cruz’s lifeless body will strike the asteroid in the first-ever test of the United State’s Asteroid Strike System (ASS). Scientists at NASA released a statement saying that “the test will show if the country is capable of removing an asteroid threat, but will not provide the satisfying ‘splat’ sound that many are looking for when Cruz strikes the asteroid – since you can’t hear anything in space no matter how badly you want to hear it.”

As of press time historians and political experts said that was the first time that Cruz has ever made himself useful.

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