Meteorologists are predicting there won’t be any weather this coming weekend

YouReadyGrandma

“Except for in Hawaii, Alaska and the penis-tip part of Florida – where it will be very wet – Americans should prepare themselves for absolutely nothing.”

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Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’

YouReadyGrandma

“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”

Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’

YouReadyGrandma

“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated.

Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many

YouReadyGrandma

With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be coming right at me from two fronts,” stated Jenny Schwartz of Baltimore, Maryland. “My Bible-thumping, morbidly obese Aunt Cheryl from The South, and my condescending, evil mother-in-law Debbie will approach from The North. They will coalesce on my front lawn around 2:00 PM on Sunday, July 3rd,” said Schwartz. “So this year, despite sending invitations, I am going to pretend to be dead if anyone rings the doorbell or knocks. Fuck these people.” But it’s not just the Eastern seaboard that will be hit hard: experts believe that the strong depression will move westward, impacting the Great Plains and spreading to the West Coast. Chief Meteorologist Brian Busbey of Channel 9 in Kansas City, Kansas described what he expects to occur this holiday season for him. “Hurricane Helen, with her bitch-force opinions, will be crossing the United States from Charlotte, North Carolina to my home,” Busbey stated while drawing arrows and sad faces on a green screen map. “Undoubtedly, this inherent depression will leave me asking many questions, like: ‘Why do I bother cooking or baking anything for these fucking assholes?!?!’” Busbey concluded, “We get it Aunt Helen, ‘Kansas City, Kansas’ sounds stupid, just like everything you fucking say!” Medical experts are already offering tips for how Americans can cope with the inevitable depression. Some key tips include: 1. Have a plan. Be sure to know where the alcohol is, and map out a route to it that allows you to get really liquored-up while avoiding as many unsavory relatives as possible. 2. Set realistic goals. By keeping the bar low, you won’t be blindsided by even more disappointment, resentment, or thoughts of suicide. 3. Exercise. Be sure to exercise your first Amendment right to free speech. You’ll already have alcohol pulsing through your veins for encouragement. So speak up, create a pamphlet of opinions to share, or design a calculated, hurtful sign to hold up in the faces of these assholes. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.

Milwaukee to Issue Flamethrowers to Residents

YouReadyGrandma

“Milwaukee, Wisconsin Alderman Jim Bohl has made a sweeping decree to issue flamethrowers to all residents in light of slow and ineffective snow-clearing efforts in the city. An order has already been put in with an undisclosed military manufacturer for nearly…”