Countless resorts and businesses across Cancun boarded up their windows and doors yesterday as citizens, tourists and the cartel all fled the city upon hearing that Ted Cruz would be degrading the area with his presence again while he escaped … Continue reading Resorts In Cancun Abandoned As City Braces For Approaching Ted Cruz
For one reason or another, here are four cities that we simply cannot wait to see completely underwater by 2030 (at the latest). 1 – Detroit, MI. We’d love to watch these downtrodden people finally be put out of their … Continue reading 4 Cities We Can’t Wait To See Completely Underwater By 2030
Fox News’ owner Rupert Murdoch announced today that he will be launching the all-new Fox Weather Channel; a 24-hour stream that “promises to do for 7-day forecasts what Fox has done for American politics.” Notably, Murdoch says the station will … Continue reading Rupert Murdoch’s New Fox Weather Channel Will Blame The Radical Left For Storms, Natural Disasters
The Gates of Hell are finally closing after several days of being left wide open while demons attempted to drag Donald Rumsfeld into the fiery pits of hell. Because the gates were left open for so long, the extreme temperatures … Continue reading US Heatwave Subsides As Gates Of Hell Finally Close Behind Donald Rumsfeld
Despite being almost completely engulfed in flames, the states of California, Washington, and Oregon were still ranked by US News & World Report today as being “decidedly better to live in” than all of the southern states. “With more than … Continue reading Now 90% on Fire, Entire US West Coast Still Ranked Better to Live in Than The South
Hours before Category 4 Hurricane Laura was expected to make landfall, president Trump was asked by FEMA for more disaster relief funds. Having explained to the president the predicted devastation from the powerful storm, FEMA leaders said they were bewildered … Continue reading Trump Asks If Louisiana Is Part Of US Before Taking Away FEMA Funding
Hurricanes Laura and Marco multiplied into eight storms today after the Trump administration detonated nuclear weapons inside of the two weather systems in hopes of destroying them. Meteorologists say that people in the path of the hurricanes should prepare themselves … Continue reading Double Hurricane Becomes Eight Radioactive Storms After US Nukes Weather Systems
With temperatures warming up, and plenty of things to do, most Americans will spend the weekend on the couch binge watching TV. “By 4pm or so on a Sunday, the majority of citizens will once again realize that they’re doing … Continue reading Warmer temperatures this weekend will reinforce that you are a lazy slob with no hobbies
Tropical Storm Karen was upgraded from an ‘Unreasonable Twat’ to a category ‘I Demand to Speak to the Manager’ hurricane this morning. Experts monitoring the storm say they expect to see Karen intensify into a devastating ‘She Took the Kids.’ … Continue reading Tropical Storm Karen upgraded to category ‘I Demand to Speak to the Manager’ hurricane
House democrats killed a republican-sponsored bill today that would have allowed president Trump to detonate nukes in the eyes of hurricanes utilizing trained dolphins. The 272-158 vote reportedly infuriated the president who immediately went on Twitter to vent his anger. Continue reading Trump temporarily blocked from using nuclear armed dolphins against hurricanes
At a morning press conference at Camp David, President Trump managed to stun reporters when he said 10 words in a row that all worked to form both a complete thought and a grammatically correct sentence. The rare moment of … Continue reading Feeling cocky, President Trump strings together 10 words to form a complete, coherent sentence
The swing state of Florida, which is home to the notorious “Florida Man” constituency, is about to be hit by category-4 Hurricane Dorian. In an attempt to keep as many of his inept voters alive and happy, President Trump is … Continue reading Trump sends $1.3 billion in hurricane relief to help protect “Florida Man” constituency
As tropical storm Dorian heads toward Puerto Rico, White House aides are are scrambling once again, trying to convince the president that the island is a US territory. Sources in the White House say Trump remained confident that the US … Continue reading White House scrambles to convince Trump that Puerto Rico is part of the US as tropical storm Dorian approaches
“Except for in Hawaii, Alaska and the penis-tip part of Florida – where it will be very wet – Americans should prepare themselves for absolutely nothing.” Continue reading Meteorologists are predicting there won’t be any weather this coming weekend
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.” Continue reading Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated. Continue reading Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering … Continue reading Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many
“Milwaukee, Wisconsin Alderman Jim Bohl has made a sweeping decree to issue flamethrowers to all residents in light of slow and ineffective snow-clearing efforts in the city. An order has already been put in with an undisclosed military manufacturer for nearly…” Continue reading Milwaukee to Issue Flamethrowers to Residents
