Despite being almost completely engulfed in flames, the states of California, Washington, and Oregon were still ranked by US News & World Report today as being “decidedly better to live in” than all of the southern states. “With more than 30 fires blazing, the majority of the west coast’s population is now seeking shelter from widespread fires by simply hanging out at the beach,” the article stated. “In the face of these fires, the states still manage to provide better healthcare and education all while propping up a better economy than all southern states combined.” Besides having better healthcare, education and economies, the article also confirmed that people on the west coast have more teeth per capita, higher IQs, less racist views, more inclusivity for LGBTQ+ community, and more than three things to do for fun. “In fact, the entire staff here at US News & World Report would rather burn alive than live anywhere in the South,” the article stated. “If we could, somehow, we would move all of the fires over there. That would be ideal.” The article concluded on a final, positive note stating that “the one and only perk of living in the South is that it’s very cheap. Cheap in every sense of the word.”
Hours before Category 4 Hurricane Laura was expected to make landfall, president Trump was asked by FEMA for more disaster relief funds. Having explained to the president the predicted devastation from the powerful storm, FEMA leaders said they were bewildered by Trump’s response. “The president asked where the storm was hitting and one of his aides told him ‘Louisiana,’ to which Trump asked ‘Is that part of the the United States?’” FEMA Administrator Peter Gaynor stated. According to Gaynor, the president then continued to ask, “So it’s an island, like Puerto Rico then? Does it have jungles?” “Aides explained to Trump that there wasn’t a jungle in Louisiana and that it also wasn’t an island, but that there are swamps and alligators,” Gaynor stated. “The president replied ‘You know I don’t like swamps’ and then told his staff to ‘get the paperwork ready’ to take a few billion dollars away from FEMA and give it to the border patrol.“ As of press time FEMA was drastically underfunded and ill-prepared for handling Hurricane Laura. Meanwhile, Trump was getting ready to proudly proclaim his handling of Laura to be “tremendous” and “better than Obama’s Katrina disaster.”
Hurricanes Laura and Marco multiplied into eight storms today after the Trump administration detonated nuclear weapons inside of the two weather systems in hopes of destroying them. Meteorologists say that people in the path of the hurricanes should prepare themselves for radioactive winds and rain by covering themselves – and everything they care about – in materials that block radiation, such as lead, tungsten, and bismuth. Notably, the World Meteorological Organization has deviated from the tradition of naming the storms after people and is instead calling the eight new radioactive hurricanes: Not Today Satan Oh, C’mon! Please God, Make It Stop! Quarantina Really? REALLY!? Shit, shit, shit! This Is The End, and Unbelievable Despite what happened today, the Trump administration is calling the nuclear detonations a big success. “Any attempt to label this as a ‘mistake’ or a ‘blunder’ is completely false and misleading,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “The president did what he set out to do. He completely destroyed hurricanes Laura and Marco, and now we just have to finish the job by blowing up the rest of the storms.”
With temperatures warming up, and plenty of things to do, most Americans will spend the weekend on the couch binge watching TV. “By 4pm or so on a Sunday, the majority of citizens will once again realize that they’re doing nothing with their lives,” Behavioral Scientist Amanda Rogers stated. “Then they’ll begin experiencing that Sunday sinking feeling as the weight of Monday approaches; now fully aware that they’re heading back to their dead-end job tomorrow.” Rogers says that the cycle will typically repeat for most Americans until they die, unfulfilled; having lived a meaningless life.
Tropical Storm Karen was upgraded from an ‘Unreasonable Twat’ to a category ‘I Demand to Speak to the Manager’ hurricane this morning. Experts monitoring the storm say they expect to see Karen intensify into a devastating ‘She Took the Kids.’ Early evacuations are being considered for parts of Florida on the chance that Karen worsens into a full-blown ‘Call the Cops on Black People for No Reason.’
House democrats killed a republican-sponsored bill today that would have allowed president Trump to detonate nukes in the eyes of hurricanes utilizing trained dolphins. The 272-158 vote reportedly infuriated the president who immediately went on Twitter to vent his anger.
At a morning press conference at Camp David, President Trump managed to stun reporters when he said 10 words in a row that all worked to form both a complete thought and a grammatically correct sentence. The rare moment of clarity came while the president spoke about Hurricane Dorian. “It’s bad. The storm. It’s a bad place and you don’t wanna be stuck in there,” Trump stumbled before nailing his big line. “This storm is very big and very scary to people,” a satisfied Trump beamed. Within seconds FOX News was broadcasting the president’s eloquent sentence. ‘This storm is very big and very scary to people’ began continuously scrolling across the bottom news ticker as TV personalities dissected the sentence; savoring every syllable of genius for the better part of a half an hour. The story was then looped back into the news cycle every 30 minutes with a breaking news alert whose subtitle read “Is this President Trump’s I Have a Dream Speech?” Photo Credit James Cridland