Tropical Storm Karen upgraded to category ‘I Demand to Speak to the Manager’ hurricane

YouReadyGrandma

Tropical Storm Karen was upgraded from an ‘Unreasonable Twat’ to a category ‘I Demand to Speak to the Manager’ hurricane this morning. Experts monitoring the storm say they expect to see Karen intensify into a devastating ‘She Took the Kids.’ Early evacuations are being considered for parts of Florida on the chance that Karen worsens into a full-blown ‘Call the Cops on Black People for No Reason.’ Advertisements

Advertisements

Trump temporarily blocked from using nuclear armed dolphins against hurricanes

YouReadyGrandma

House democrats killed a republican-sponsored bill today that would have allowed president Trump to detonate nukes in the eyes of hurricanes utilizing trained dolphins. The 272-158 vote reportedly infuriated the president who immediately went on Twitter to vent his anger.

Feeling cocky, President Trump strings together 10 words to form a complete, coherent sentence

YouReadyGrandma

At a morning press conference at Camp David, President Trump managed to stun reporters when he said 10 words in a row that all worked to form both a complete thought and a grammatically correct sentence. The rare moment of clarity came while the president spoke about Hurricane Dorian. “It’s bad. The storm. It’s a bad place and you don’t wanna be stuck in there,” Trump stumbled before nailing his big line. “This storm is very big and very scary to people,” a satisfied Trump beamed. Within seconds FOX News was broadcasting the president’s eloquent sentence. ‘This storm is very big and very scary to people’ began continuously scrolling across the bottom news ticker as TV personalities dissected the sentence; savoring every syllable of genius for the better part of a half an hour. The story was then looped back into the news cycle every 30 minutes with a breaking news alert whose subtitle read “Is this President Trump’s I Have a Dream Speech?” Photo Credit James Cridland

Trump sends $1.3 billion in hurricane relief to help protect “Florida Man” constituency

YouReadyGrandma

The swing state of Florida, which is home to the notorious “Florida Man” constituency, is about to be hit by category-4 Hurricane Dorian. In an attempt to keep as many of his inept voters alive and happy, President Trump is sending $1.3 billion in disaster relief to the state. “Without the Florida Man vote we won’t be able to win in 2020,” Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale confirmed. “Like much of our base, these magnificent creatures are highly driven, skittish and vapid men, so we’ll do everything we can to protect The Sunshine State.”

White House scrambles to convince Trump that Puerto Rico is part of the US as tropical storm Dorian approaches

YouReadyGrandma

As tropical storm Dorian heads toward Puerto Rico, White House aides are are scrambling once again, trying to convince the president that the island is a US territory. Sources in the White House say Trump remained confident that the US was helping a foreign nation throughout the aftermath of Hurricane Maria and he carries that sentiment to this day. “One problem is distance. The president can’t get past the fact that Puerto Rico is so far away,” an anonymous staffer stated. “In fact, we even have to spend an hour a week reminding Mr. Trump that Alaska and Hawaii are states.” “Then there’s the color issue,” the staffer added. “He asks things like, ‘If they’re American, why are they all brown?’ and honestly, all of us in the White House have a hard time pushing back. He has a point there.” Photo credit Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

Meteorologists are predicting there won’t be any weather this coming weekend

YouReadyGrandma

“Except for in Hawaii, Alaska and the penis-tip part of Florida – where it will be very wet – Americans should prepare themselves for absolutely nothing.”

Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’

YouReadyGrandma

“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”

%d bloggers like this: