With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise. “The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out during the cooler afternoon and nighttime hours,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. Tortoise experts everywhere agree that this seems to be the case with McConnell. “In common public opinion, tortoises are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.” Fellow Republicans say they plan to slowly roll McConnell on his back tomorrow to determine his sex. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
An investigation is underway after Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was severely injured moments after opening a package that contained several plastic bags and straws. McConnell, like most turtles, tried to put the foreign objects in his mouth to gain an understanding of what they were. Instead of learning anything, McConnell ended up nearly choking to death on a plastic bag while lodging a straw firmly up his nose. To make matters worse, the Senator is now scared and refusing to let anyone remove the plastic from his bleeding nasal cavity. Additionally, authorities say they likely won’t be able to press any charges if the mailer of the package is identified. “There’s nothing illegal about sending someone straws and bags, we just want to talk to this person.” Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron stated. “It’s weird, but it’s not illegal. If anything I’m more concerned about Mr. McConnell. I think we all are.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Reports say McConnell injured himself while he was aggressively fucking the country.
“It’s our time now! The dawning of the age of the Reptilians is upon us!” – Mitch McConnell
McConnell is being investigated by the US. Senate Ethics Committee for spending $127,000 on a new heat lamp system and gigantic basking rocks in his office.
“Let’s just admit it, Mitch is such a basic bitch name.” – Senator Bitch McConnell