Trump appointee Tony Cox who leads the Environmental Protection Agency Advisory Board on Air Pollution has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans. The historic study marks the first time that conservatives have become so desperate that they’re entertaining the notion that science holds value.
“Several of us have concerns over the adequacy of the evidence supporting the EPA’s conclusion that there’s a link between exposure to pollution and mortality,” Cox grinned, “I’m actually appalled at the lack of scientific evidence connecting pollution to premature death.”
President Trump approved Eric’s indefinite detainment, stating “What’s the worst that could happen and would I actually care?”
“We’re pumping in the same amount of pollution released by one coal plant in real time,” Cox confirmed. “We’ve also tossed in some uranium and plutonium.”
Now, 5 hours in, the White House reports that Eric Trump has been completely unaffected.
“He’s been taking a nap for the past 4 hours and nobody has the heart to wake him,” Cox stated. “We may be witnessing the soothing powers of pollution here folks.”
Scientists at Harvard University say that on top of the study not being conducted in a scientific manner, Mr. Cox should have selected a test subject that wasn’t already severely impaired.
“There’s no way to monitor a person who is already incredibly damaged,” a Harvard press release stated.
Funeral services for Eric Trump will take place next week.