Millions of men from the Lonestar State have have slipped into existential despair after having their world rocked by news that Texas is producing and using more clean wind energy than coal.

“If it’s not massive, mean or gritty we don’t want it here in Texas,” Westmoreland Coal Company CEO Martin Purvis stated. “Have they considered powering the windmills with coal?”

As countless Texans question if their lives have any meaning, purpose or value anymore, scientists say that Texas’ clean energy policies will ward off devastating pollution and increase residents’ lifespans; leaving citizens with even more time to question the very meaning of their existence.