In a groundbreaking moment for both politics and technology, President Donald Trump’s second inauguration — held indoors at the U.S. Capitol Rotunda due to precedented levels of January cold — allegedly broke attendance records with the help of Elon Musk’s … Continue reading Trump Claims Elon Musk’s Space Expansion Tech Let 2.6 Million People Attend His Indoor Inauguration
Cardi B’s latest release, “WFP” (Wet Front Pussy), has fans in stitches — and shock — as it unveils the real story behind her iconic hit “WAP.” Apparently, “WAP” wasn’t about what we thought. Instead, it was Cardi’s unfiltered take … Continue reading Cardi B’s New Song “WFP” (Wet Front Pussy) Reveals WAP Was About Her Sweaty Butthole All Along
In a discovery that has completely reshaped online dating culture (and dramatically reduced unsolicited dick pics), scientists have revealed a simple test that may hint at a man’s… proportions. A study found that men with mismatched length index and ring fingers … Continue reading Dating Apps, DMs Flooded With Hand Pics After Science Confirms Strong Correlation Between Finger Length & Penis Size
(And Maybe Even Become Your New Breast Friend!) Zoom has partnered with Pornhub to release a new feature aimed at helping citizens in Florida, Arkansas, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Texas, Utah, and Virginia … Continue reading New Zoom Feature Bypasses Porn ID Law: Screen-Sharing Samaritans Will Help You Get Off
Gone in a flash 💥🛸 President Joe Biden has offered a bold and unconventional solution to the growing number of mysterious drone sightings over New Jersey: “If one of those big drones gets too close, just flash them. Show them … Continue reading Biden: Mysterious Drones Over New Jersey Can Be Scared Off by ‘Exposing Your Genitals’
In a shocking move that has sent waves through yacht clubs and boardrooms alike, life insurance companies nationwide have begun dropping billionaires and multi-millionaires from their policies, citing them as “too high risk.” The unprecedented decision comes on the heels … Continue reading Life Insurance Companies Drop Coverage for All Billionaires & Ultra Wealthy Due to “High Risk Choices”
In a stunning reversal, former President Donald Trump announced today that he was rescinding his appointment of Congressman Matt Gaetz as Attorney General, citing what he called a “small misreading of handwritten notes.” “I didn’t mean the Attorney General,” Trump clarified in … Continue reading Trump Revokes Matt Gaetz Attorney General Appointment, Says He Meant Gaetz ‘Needs an Attorney, in General’
In a bold counter to Elon Musk’s ‘Cash for Votes’ scheme, Kamala Harris has introduced an innovative idea: complete student loan forgiveness for anyone living in a swing state that she wins during the Presidential election. “Those in key swing … Continue reading Kamala Harris Announces Student Loan Forgiveness For All Residents In Swing States She Wins
Trump added that babies from Scandinavian countries would be automatically exempt from testing, claiming, “They have great genes—very clean, very hardworking. But we’ll be keeping a close eye on the others.” Continue reading Trump’s New Gene Testing Initiative Will Preemptively Arrest ‘Ethnic Babies’ With ‘Bad DNA’
In a shocking turn of events, J.D. Vance has abruptly ended his bid to be Donald Trump’s vice-presidential running mate upon discovering a crucial piece of … Continue reading JD Vance Drops Out As VP After Learning Trump Isn’t Oversized, Rustic Burnt Sienna Love Seat
California governor Gavin Newsom announced today that the state is considering passing an emergency law that can give complete immunity to drivers who strike and injure protesters with their cars on public streets. The move comes a day before a … Continue reading California Might Decriminalize Running Over Protesters Ahead Of Super Bowl
Famous comedians Dave Chappelle, Kevin Hart and Louis C.K. have all been Grammy nominated for the Most Cancelled award. The award, which is new this year, was created by the Grammy committee “to recognize how very real and unfair cancel … Continue reading Dave Chappelle, Kevin Hart & Louis C.K. All Grammy Nominated For ‘Most Cancelled’ Award
Comedian Dave Chappelle is attempting to legitimize his new Netflix comedy special that focused almost entirely on disparaging transgender individuals. Chappelle gave a brief statement today. “Some minority groups haven’t suffered enough for me,” Chappelle grinned while taking a puff … Continue reading Trans People Not Oppressed Enough To Be Left Alone By Dave Chappelle
There are several simple ways to encourage anti-vaxxers to finally take the shot and help us get out of this pandemic. Slideshow: Main photo credit: Marco Verch Continue reading 9 Easy Ways To Convince Anti-Vaxxers To Get ‘The Jab’
Fast food restaurants are fully-staffed once again after popular porn site Only Fans announced today that it will no longer be allowing sexual content on their platform. Here’s what people are saying: McDonald’s photo credit Paul Sableman Continue reading Fast Food Restaurants Back To Being Fully-Staffed After Only Fans Bans Sexual Content
(Knoxville, TN) Local man Brian McMillan, who is an anti-science, anti-mask, anti-pope, anti-vaxxer has found himself so against everything that he’s now stuck saying no to everyone no matter what. McMillan says the new affliction has caused him to regret … Continue reading Anti-Science Anti-Mask Anti-Pope Anti-Vaxxer Just Saying ‘No’ To Everything At This Point
Former president Donald Trump announced his “own brand” of vaccine today that was immediately rejected by the scientific community after being identified as literal snake oil. Despite what experts are saying, millions of Republicans have lined up to take the … Continue reading Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning
The NFL released guidelines today informing teams that COVID-19 outbreaks among unvaccinated players could lead to forfeited games in the upcoming football season. Some people are saying that the move is basically a mandate for players to get vaccinated. The … Continue reading NFL Pushes For Vaccinations: ‘We’d Prefer Our Players Die From Head Trauma In Retirement’
