President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address

“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.”

Advertisements

Nationwide Removal of All Confederate Statues Begins as Participation Trophies are Sent to Grieving Southerners

Trump is trying to rectify the situation by sending Civil War participation trophies to his seething supporters.

Awful Commercial Angers Men, Causes Hipsters to Shave Beards

Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”

Louisiana Governor Proposes 24-Hour Paid Maternity Leave

“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”

South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl

South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response to public outcry McMaster said that farting the national anthem is simply an expression of his First Amendment rights. (Article continues below image) “I firmly believe we can all stand and respect the flag during the national anthem – no matter where you come from, where the sound is coming from, or what that may smell like,” McMaster Return Home Take me to the MEMES!

Scott Walker Begins Sobering Up to Qualify for Unemployment Assistance

Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.

Kavanaugh to Be Moved to Top of Liver Transplant List if Confirmed

“Kavanaugh needs a liver by Christmas and the Democrats don’t give a lick!” – Senator Lindsey Graham

#Kavanaugh #FBIReport #SupremeCourt

%d bloggers like this: