Glenn Beck is claiming responsibility for the flames that decimated the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, France.
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck. A casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
Beck says his radical conversion began in a moment of clarity as he listened to a show he found late one night called the Glenn Beck Radio Program.
“I’m listening to this guy on the show named Glenn and I realize that he’s the epitome of everything that’s wrong with America,” Beck stated. “This Colonel-Sanders-looking racist spouted off so much white nationalist bullshit that I knew then and there I must fight the Great Satan: America.”
Beck says that he then made two unsuccessful attempts to fly to Paris before making it across the Atlantic.
“I had just converted to terrorism and immediately I’m being discriminated against,” a tearful Beck sobbed. “So I played their game, sacrificed my morals, removed the brown face paint and flew to France.”
Once Beck landed, he checked into a hotel three blocks from the Notre Dame Cathedral to get some rest. Beck says he woke up the next day inside the already-burning, iconic landmark.
“As part of my early-morning routine, I sleepwalk to a public space and shout myself awake,” Beck stated.
“This time I awoke inside of the Notre Dame Cathedral. I was screaming ‘A-hulu-snackbar!’ which means ‘God is great!’ in modern Latin,” Beck explained. “Everything was already ablaze.”
“So, you won’t hear this anywhere else,” Beck grinned. “But a radical Muslim terrorist burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral.”
At press time, authorities say the fire was accidental; caused by workers refurbishing the 865 year old structure.
“Believe me. If we could pin it on Cleric Crazy Gopher, we would.” a statement from French President Macron read.