The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only. Continue reading McDonald’s is Giving Away Red Heart Disease Awareness T-Shirts With Purchase of Grand Big Mac Meal
“You can expect your loved ones to land safely; with only minor amputations being necessary.” Continue reading More Than 6,000 Airplanes are Still Frozen Over US Airspace
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.” Continue reading Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.” Continue reading FaceTime Bug Causes Small Wormholes to Appear & Suck Up iPhones, Nearby Objects
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.” Continue reading Trump to Play Blackfaced ‘Ronald Klump’ Alongside Kanye West in Summer Blockbuster Movie
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.” Continue reading Louisiana Governor Proposes 24-Hour Paid Maternity Leave
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says … Continue reading South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.” Continue reading Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking
“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.” Continue reading US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.” Continue reading Pope Francis Officially Moves Christmas 2019 to March
Mass graves are filling up outside of the Ford Truck Plant in Dearborn, MI. Continue reading Heartbroken Ford Owners Euthanize 874,000 Shitty Pickup Trucks
Ginsburg is maintaining a steady high with edibles from Senator Sanders until her new lung is healed. Continue reading Surgeon Gives Justice Ginsburg 3rd Lung to ‘Allow for Epic Bong Rips’
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.” Continue reading Banned Bump Stocks Will Be Recycled as Sex Toys, Justice Department Says
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’ Continue reading World’s Remaining Nice People ‘Strongly Considering Not Being Taken Advantage of Anymore’
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos. Continue reading Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians. Continue reading Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting. Continue reading CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
“Let’s just admit it, Mitch is such a basic bitch name.” – Senator Bitch McConnell Continue reading Mitch McConnell Legally Changes Name to ‘Bitch McConnell’
