Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones. Continue reading Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Category: Announcement
Tofurky Releases Trophy-Hunt Lion Steak, More Options
“We’re trying to attract more meat-eaters by selling a diverse selection of what we are pretty sure they like to eat,” Continue reading Tofurky Releases Trophy-Hunt Lion Steak, More Options
Senate Republicans Hire Hooters to Cater Kavanaugh Hearing
“I just don’t see the problem here.” – Senator McConnell Continue reading Senate Republicans Hire Hooters to Cater Kavanaugh Hearing
US Health & Human Services Encourages Bulimia Over Anorexia
“If you are going to pick one, pick bulimia. That’s all we’re saying here.” Continue reading US Health & Human Services Encourages Bulimia Over Anorexia
White Americans Will Be Allowed ‘JUST ONE’ 911 Call Per Year
“It really comes down to time and resources.” Continue reading White Americans Will Be Allowed ‘JUST ONE’ 911 Call Per Year
An iRobot Roomba 690 Robot Vacuum with Wi-Fi Connectivity has Been Running the Country since late 2017
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross Continue reading An iRobot Roomba 690 Robot Vacuum with Wi-Fi Connectivity has Been Running the Country since late 2017
Trump Thinks He Nominated Glenn Sturgis from ‘Superstore’ to Supreme Court
Trump intended to nominate Mark McKinney who plays the role of Glenn Sturgis in NBC’s ‘Superstore’. Continue reading Trump Thinks He Nominated Glenn Sturgis from ‘Superstore’ to Supreme Court
Pfizer Releases Pills that Slowly Deduct Money from Your Bank Account
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference. Continue reading Pfizer Releases Pills that Slowly Deduct Money from Your Bank Account
Pope Asks all Catholics to Pray Before Oral Intercourse
“We should always be looking up to God before going down to worship,” said Francis. Continue reading Pope Asks all Catholics to Pray Before Oral Intercourse
U.S. Veterans to Get Lifetime Supply of Gasoline
‘The number of homeless veterans wheeling hundreds of gallons of gasoline through bustling urban centers could be a huge safety problem.’ Continue reading U.S. Veterans to Get Lifetime Supply of Gasoline
Jack Daniel’s to Use ‘What Would Jesus Do’ Acronym
The world’s top U.S. whiskey gets an ‘offensive’ marketing overhaul. Continue reading Jack Daniel’s to Use ‘What Would Jesus Do’ Acronym
Introducing Samsung Soft: The Smart TV that you can Punch
Samsung Soft: Televisions You Can Beat the Living **** Out Of. Continue reading Introducing Samsung Soft: The Smart TV that you can Punch
Over 7% of This Year’s Winter Olympic Athletes are Blind
The visually impaired are suddenly excelling at winter sports and scientists want to know why. Continue reading Over 7% of This Year’s Winter Olympic Athletes are Blind
Steve Bannon Starts Line of Alcoholic Bananas
‘Bananons,’ will be infused with Everclear grain alcohol which… Continue reading Steve Bannon Starts Line of Alcoholic Bananas
McDonald’s to Open 375,000 New Restaurants: One for Each Employee
“This will allow every single employee to move up the ladder and manage their own McDonald’s.” Continue reading McDonald’s to Open 375,000 New Restaurants: One for Each Employee
Packers Will Try Out All-Male Cheerleading Squad in Upcoming Season
“This move to male cheerleaders is a conscious effort to push back against female objectific…” Continue reading Packers Will Try Out All-Male Cheerleading Squad in Upcoming Season
Pope Orders All ‘White Jesus’ Figures Removed from Churches
“Look people, this is ludicrous, Jesus was a white man,” said Kelly. Continue reading Pope Orders All ‘White Jesus’ Figures Removed from Churches
The ‘Too Soon’ Gun Campaign Asks Domestic Terrorists to “Tone it Down”
Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who wants to purchase more military-grade weapons. Continue reading The ‘Too Soon’ Gun Campaign Asks Domestic Terrorists to “Tone it Down”