Subaru is now the first company to market vehicles with a feature specifically for lesbians – a plaid finish.
“It’s no secret that lesbians are huge fans of our vehicles. In fact, they make up over 39% of our purchasing customers,” said CEO Yasuyuki Yoshinaga. “What we’ve done here at Subaru is add the option for a plaid finish. This way people that are driving by can easily confirm what they were already assuming about the driver.”
Subaru says that their reliable lesbian demographic is closely followed by bicurious teachers and educators, pansexual health-care professionals, asexual IT professionals, and outdoorsy furries. The company says that these five groups make up 97% of their buyers, with the remaining 3% being “people who are in for a surprise.”
“We are no longer going to be gay vague,” Yoshinaga said. “Rather than battle against larger car companies for the same humdrum, rich, straight, white 18-to-35-year-olds living in the suburbs, we decided to market our cars to a pre-lubricated, hot pocket demographic.”
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians. Noteworthy slogans from the past included: “Get Out. And Stay Out” and “It’s Not a Choice. It’s the Way We’re Built.” Now Subaru has gone one step further.
“In the past, straight people would only notice features like the bike rack,” Yoshinaga said. “With focus groups of straight audiences, even after an hour of talking about gay issues, we’d show Subaru ads that featured gay couples and they’d think a woman was shopping with her aunt. It was really fucking annoying.”
With the plaid finish, there will be no questions. So say goodbye to Subaru being ‘gay vague’ because the company says that their new campaign slogan will be “Strap on. Strap in. Subaru.”