Mitch McConnell Legally Changes Name to ‘Bitch McConnell’

After his huge victory in successfully pushing Brett Kavanaugh onto the US Supreme Court, Mitch McConnell says he’s showing a new, badass side of himself by changing his first name to Bitch.

“Let’s just admit it, Mitch is such a basic bitch name,” McConnell mumbled passively. “I changed my legal name because I’m a true, full-blown, adrenaline-injected fucking bitch. And don’t you fucking forget it, crackers.”

McConnell says part of his name change inspiration came from his newfound affinity for Kanye West. The Senator is also insisting that colleagues refer to him as “Big Papa Bitch” on the Senate floor. Democrats have strongly embraced his decision.

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