First Family Welcomes Nagini the Presidential Python to the White House

YouReadyGrandma

The White House announced today that a new scaly friend – Nagini the presidential python – would now be living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. President Trump, who is openly averse to dogs, surprised the country with his pet choice. “Nagini is an 11-foot reticulated python from China; one of the few breeds of snakes that can swallow a human whole,” president Trump beamed as he spoke to reporters. “Isn’t he magnificent? He is. He really is.” Notably, taxpayers footed the bill for the purchase and transportation of Nagini who, due of the current trade war with the China, cost Americans $1,285,000. As of 8pm Eastern time, animal control had been called several times to come to the White House after Nagini broke loose. It wasn’t until the 8th attempt that someone took the call seriously. “We thought the calls were kids playing a prank,” a representative from DC Animal Control stated. “Nobody in their right mind is particularly shocked to hear that there’s a dangerous snake in the White House that everyone wants removed.”

What Happens to the 19 Dead Horses After the Kentucky Derby?

YouReadyGrandma

“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.”

Weird Tech: Watch the Life Story of Animals as You Eat Them

YouReadyGrandma

“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”

US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division

YouReadyGrandma

“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.”

Tofurky Releases Trophy-Hunt Lion Steak, More Options

YouReadyGrandma

“We’re trying to attract more meat-eaters by selling a diverse selection of what we are pretty sure they like to eat,”

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