Dwindling in numbers, the remaining 12% of humans who are actually decent, loving individuals are strongly considering ‘acting like all of you fucking assholes.’

“We estimate that there’s approximately 915 million decent human beings left in the world, ” spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres stated. “And that number takes into account the relaxed definition of ‘nice’ that was implemented in 2008 to slow our extinction rate.”

DeGeneres continued.

“We took a vote of no confidence in humanity yesterday. So if we manage to overcome this awful, sinking sensation known as ‘guilt’ – a feeling which nice people experience when they do something bad – as well as something called ’empathy’ – which is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and care about them – then we can become like the rest of you selfish, materialistic, unthinking lowlifes.”

***Update: 15 minutes after her announcement, Ellen DeGeneres apologized on behalf of nice people worldwide and then slipped back into ‘a deep depression that no amount of dancing will ever be able to fix.’

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