The Salvation Army announced today that they’ll be using $1.58 million in donations to purchase 100,000 pocket anuses for clergymen in the Catholic Church this Christmas. The charity says their goal is to curb pedophilia. “As far as we can tell, nobody is doing anything to protect the kids. This is, at the very least, a step in a different direction.” Salvation Army CEO Brian Peddle stated. “So when you drop some change into that Salvation Army basket this Christmas – smile – because you just helped to buy a priest a pocket anus.” Meanwhile, when asked by reporters to comment on the enormous sex toy donation, Pope Francis remarked “Sometimes the hardest problems have the simplest solutions.” With the initial pocket anus delivery already on its way, Francis has gone ahead and released hundreds of boys from the Vatican’s sex dungeons as an act of good faith. Photo credit Lorie Shaull – no endorsement implied.
Pope Francis announced today that the Vatican has created a completely new Bible that aligns with scientists’ current understanding of the modern world. The new holy book will be called the Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible after the Pope’s birth name. “We’ve removed miracles entirely by explaining them with science,” Francis stated. “We also took out all of the overt sexism, racism and gratuitous violence.” The Vatican says it went ahead and addressed potentially homophobic verses by simply removing them. “Honestly, most of Leviticus is gone,” Francis confirmed. “Instead we’ve taken a realistic route and included a gay love affair and wedding between Jesus and his disciple John.” The Vatican is set to release the 79-page Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible by Easter Sunday – or as the new holy book calls it – April Fool’s Day.
“Once I hit the 20-minute mark there was a turtle head poking out. Just in and out, in and out it went,” Francis gestured with his fingertip through an O-shape on his other hand.
“Those familiar with the Bible will immediately know that this is The Mark of the Beast,” stated Carson while steepling his fingers and arching his eyebrows.
Pope Francis’ adult book is entitled ‘The Divinci Load.’
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”