New Texas Law Will Outfit All School Staff With Everything A School Shooter Would Have

Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced today that a new law will soon be passed by the state which will fully-arm school staff with everything a school shooter could possibly bring with them during an attack. “You gotta make it a … Continue reading New Texas Law Will Outfit All School Staff With Everything A School Shooter Would Have

Texans Leave Hundreds Of Unwanted Babies On Governor Abbott’s Front Porch

Texas Governor Greg Abbott recently signed a bill into law that prevents abortions after the sixth week of pregnancy – much sooner than most women even know that they are pregnant. That law went into effect today. Under the law, … Continue reading Texans Leave Hundreds Of Unwanted Babies On Governor Abbott’s Front Porch

Louisiana to bring back football warns 100 chance of death

Louisiana to Bring Back Football, Warns of 100% Death Rate to Those Who Stand In the Way

Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said … Continue reading Louisiana to Bring Back Football, Warns of 100% Death Rate to Those Who Stand In the Way

States Are Repainting Statues of White Jesus With Blackface, Citing Racial Inaccuracies

Several states across the nation have started repainting statues of Jesus in public spaces in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have … Continue reading States Are Repainting Statues of White Jesus With Blackface, Citing Racial Inaccuracies

Gov. Kemp Denies Voter Suppression After Moving Polling Place to Offshore Oil Rig

Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is likely to face charges for voter suppression after he deliberately moved a predominately Democrat polling place to an oil rig located 17 miles off the coast of Georgia. During a lunchtime press conference the governor … Continue reading Gov. Kemp Denies Voter Suppression After Moving Polling Place to Offshore Oil Rig

Confederate Statues Across US Are Being Replaced With White Flags of Surrender

Riding a wave of anti-racism that has swept the US, governors across the country have begun the removal of Confederate statues, monuments, and plaques. Virginia’s Governor Ralph Northam says that he and several other governors plan to replace the memorials … Continue reading Confederate Statues Across US Are Being Replaced With White Flags of Surrender

NYC Might Clean Its Streets For the First Time After Finding $20 Bill While Disinfecting Their Subway

After finally removing all of the filth and grime from NYC subways last night with a thorough cleaning, the NYC Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) excitedly announced this morning that they had found a $20 bill in the process. Upon hearing … Continue reading NYC Might Clean Its Streets For the First Time After Finding $20 Bill While Disinfecting Their Subway

Six of the Remaining States Without Coronavirus Begin Construction of Border Walls

The coronavirus-free states of Alaska, Montana, Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Maine have begun construction of their own border walls in order to keep people with the virus out. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey was very direct today when asked about … Continue reading Six of the Remaining States Without Coronavirus Begin Construction of Border Walls

White House denies accidentally constructing a wall around New Mexico

In a gross oversight, the Trump White House has built a border wall completely encompassing the state of New Mexico. State Governor Michelle Grisham spoke out about the new enclosure. “The border wall progress that president Trump kept touting was … Continue reading White House denies accidentally constructing a wall around New Mexico

Aliens Locked Up in Area 51 Are Planning to Storm Nevada, Take Over Rest of the World

“These little green guys don’t stand a chance,” Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak stated. “Us Nevadans don’t take too kindly to… let’s say… off-white beings. Once they cross that fence they’re going to get lit up like the 4th of July!” Continue reading Aliens Locked Up in Area 51 Are Planning to Storm Nevada, Take Over Rest of the World

Trump Says He Wonders What Babies Taste Like at Wisconsin Rally

“Wrap the baby beautifully in a flour tortilla and toss it in the oven,” Trump stated while wiping saliva from his chin. “If you do all of that, then maybe I take a little bite. A nibble. I don’t know. I don’t know.” Continue reading Trump Says He Wonders What Babies Taste Like at Wisconsin Rally

Americans Shatter Book-Burning Record on Read Across America Day

“In retrospect, I picked the wrong book to read to them.” Louisiana Governor John Edwards stated. “I chose Seuss’ first published work The Pocket Book of Boners and by the time I finished reading the title all hell had broken loose.” Continue reading Americans Shatter Book-Burning Record on Read Across America Day

Virginia Politician: “What if We Only Painted Our Genitals?”

“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.” Continue reading Virginia Politician: “What if We Only Painted Our Genitals?”