Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM

“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker

Advertisements

Americans Shatter Book-Burning Record on Read Across America Day

“In retrospect, I picked the wrong book to read to them.” Louisiana Governor John Edwards stated. “I chose Seuss’ first published work The Pocket Book of Boners and by the time I finished reading the title all hell had broken loose.”

FOX News Embraces Jeb Bush as He Distances Self From Brother

After announcing his bid for Presidency, Jeb Bush tried to distance himself from brother George W. Bush. When asked by a reporter if his family name and relation to former President George W. Bush would hinder his chances, Jeb tactfully deflected the question in true-leader-fashion by

Nervous Rick Perry Unsure How to Count, Put Complete Sentences Together

Nervous Rick Perry Unsure How to Count, Put Complete Sentences Together

(Photo by Gage Skidmore. No endorsement implied) Former Presidential hopeful Rick Perry, who stumbled and fell short in his last run for President of the United States has announced that he is running again. However, shortly after his announcement, his campaign team now admits that he can no longer remember what order numbers come in […]

Indiana Passes Law to Build Border Fence in Response to Travel Bans

In his official comments on the passage of the new fence bill, Pence stated that this would it make a statement telling other states to “butt out of Indiana politics,” but also, it would “add hundreds of thousands of minimum wage jobs for the state and effectively negate the effects of major companies and events leaving or boycotting Indiana.”