During an interview on Fox News, president Trump told Laura Ingraham that the police officer who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back had “choked” much like “missing a three foot putt.” But the strange answer didn’t stop there. In the edited out portion of the tape, Trump continued his comparison for another fourteen minutes. “Everyone knows that seven shots is over par for any hole. So I don’t know what that officer was doing. That’s sloppy play.” Trump stated. “But when you think about it, seven shots over par on… say the back nine at Mar-a-Lago is actually pretty good. So it really just depends on whatever it is we’re talking about here.” At this point Ingraham had unsuccessfully tried to stop Trump’s insensitive, incoherent rambling twice, but he continued. “You know, just the other day I was playing golf with a few Black guys and I shot a hole in one. I shot a hole in one on a par five. Can you believe it?” Trump asked a stunned Ingraham. “And honestly that’s the closest I’ve come to what that officer did because honestly nobody has done more for the Black community than me. Maybe Abraham Lincoln. Maybe Lincoln. I wonder if he golfed.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
President Trump took questions regarding Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse from the press today while in Lake Charles, Louisiana as he was assessing the damage from Category 4 Hurricane Laura. Many are calling what the president said absurd, while others say that his words were quite troubling. “You know, they say when you become an officer that you get more rights, more protections. So it’s terrible what’s happening to Kyle folks. Just terrible. Did you know he had been a cadet training to be an officer?” Trump asked. “Maybe that should count? Maybe we should lower the age to become an officer? Maybe we’ll have kids patrol the cities and we can call them the ‘Trump Youth.’ I don’t know. I don’t know.” Kenosha Police Chief Daniel Miskinis offered a similar statement when asked about the president’s comments. “Yes, it is fair to say that Mr. Rittenhouse really jumped the gun on this one. The whole thing would have shook out very differently for him if he were old enough to be a police officer, but if you aren’t officially in the brotherhood, we can’t help you,” Miskinis stated. “The only crime here is that he wasn’t one of us. It’s sad, but rules are rules. Hopefully he gets a white… I mean, a light sentence.”
Activating his fight-or-flight self-defense mechanism, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul completely melted into the pavement last night while being confronted by protesters after the Republican National Convention. As a small crowd began to gather around Paul and grow more vocal, the senator said that he “began to feel threatened” stating that he “couldn’t handle the heat.” Experts explained what happened next. “As is a snowflake’s natural response to heat, the molecules that make up Paul’s body began moving faster, breaking the hydrogen bonds between them; causing the senator to melt and turn into water,” meteorologist Michael Duvall stated. “This allowed Paul to spread out in the cracks and camouflage himself among the other moist sludge and trash. After that, we assume Mr. Paul slowly seeped his way to a safe space.”
The NBA playoffs were postponed Wednesday as many players were calling to end the season while demanding justice for Jacob Blake – yet another Black man who was wrongfully shot by the police. Players let NBA leadership know that they are “financially set and able to strike indefinitely,” if that’s what it takes for change to come to the US. In response to these events, president Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner had an on-air meltdown during which he made racist comments while accidentally criticizing capitalism. “Listen. We’ve made the biggest mistake possible in a capitalistic society: paying people – let alone minorities – enough money to escape wage slavery and remove themselves from the machine,” Kushner stated. “We’ve allowed them to be able to afford to take a stand against the system itself. Make no mistake, this is what we get for paying the Blacks so well. Now they want equal treatment or they won’t entertain us. Hopefully the NBA has learned something from all of this.”
An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben Carson, showed its support for Biden and the cause by slapping two small bumper stickers and a paw-made ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign on a pair of the doctor’s old glasses and posing for photographs. Notably, legal experts say that the hamster brain currently operating Ben Carson’s human body has been allowed to roam freely – saying and doing whatever it wants – because there aren’t any laws on the books that deal with such a circumstance. “Although Dr. Carson doesn’t have any legal recourse against the actions of the hamster controlling his real body’s every thought and action, we’re doing everything we can to preserve his First Amendment right to free speech by providing him with this photo shoot today,” a representative from Carson’s office stated.
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #MAGA.
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”