Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced today that a new law will soon be passed by the state which will fully-arm school staff with everything a school shooter could possibly bring with them during an attack.

“You gotta make it a fair fight and more guns is always the answer, but anyone with half a brain knows that a handgun or basic rifle isn’t going to save anyone from a fully-equipped school shooter,” Abbott smiled. “So staff will be required to come to work in full tactical gear every day of the school year, including teacher in-service days, school board meetings, and parent-teacher conferences. They will go about their business while wearing bulletproof vests and carrying things like AR-15s, smoke and stun grenades and – if they feel so inclined – homemade incendiary or explosive devices. We’ll leave that up to them.”

Notably, school staff will be required to purchase most of their own supplies, just like any other school year. The state has also yet to set aside any funding for training.

“Teachers are smart, tough, and resilient,” Abbott stated. “But, just in case, we will be giving out one copy of the 1985 classic Rambo: First Blood Part II per school for the staff to watch together and gather some incredibly useful, realistic combat pointers.”

As of press time Abbott was asking fellow Republican lawmakers if they though students in elementary school were “strong enough to carry all of the gear, or at the very least, a sizable gun.”