Hey there, it’s me, Focus on the Family.  Just uhhhh…. well there’s no easy way to say this.  I was minding my business the other day when I decided I would take a peek in a window or three… five, who’s counting right?…

Anywhooo, I noticed from several angles that you are not using compact fluorescent light bulbs.  That would really save you a lot of energy and you should stop masturbating, it’s a sin.

Also, when you left your garage open last Sunday because you were in a hurry to not GO TO CHURCH I managed to let myself in.  (I hope you don’t mind) So after I picked your lock I decided to head right up the stairs to your daughter’s room.

After perusing a bit through her backpack I found a science book.  You should really throw this out.  Well, actually, I thought to myself “I should really throw this out!”  So I did.  You do not need to thank me.

On my way out to the road I hid in the bushes when I heard you to coming home from NOT CHURCH.

I poked holes in all of your condoms.

Sincerely,

Focus on the Family