Pope Orders All ‘White Jesus’ Figures Removed from Churches

Pope Francis has issued a papal decree requiring that all Catholic churches replace every Caucasian depiction of Jesus with “historically accurate” brown or olive-skinned figures. The order, which is the first of its kind in the history of the church, has caused an uproar in the United States.

In an exasperated response, Megyn Kelly – former Fox News anchor and current host of ‘Megyn Kelly Today‘ – pushed back against the Pope’s edict.

“Look people, this is ludicrous, Jesus was a white man,” said Kelly, “He was the only white man in the Middle East and that’s just one of many great things that made him really stand out. He was truly special to be blessed with white skin, so if that makes you uncomfortable – that’s too bad.”

Megyn Kelly continued on with a message pointed directly at her largest viewer demographic: white children ages 2 to 7.

“I want the kids watching to know that not only is Jesus white, but Santa is too. These are verifiable facts. You can’t just go and change it now,” concluded Kelly.

The Pope, who delivered his message from The Vatican late on Friday, said that “If we want to be a religious group that teaches truth, then we must start with the very basics. So this is why all churches will have exactly one year to remove and replace their Aryan Jesus bullshit.”

He added, “If anything, Jesus would have been brown or ‘olive-skinned,’ but most certainly not white. Finally, if anyone has a problem with this, it’s probably because they are unintelligent and racist,” concluded Francis.

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