In a shocking move that has sent waves through yacht clubs and boardrooms alike, life insurance companies nationwide have begun dropping billionaires and multi-millionaires from their policies, citing them as “too high risk.” The unprecedented decision comes on the heels … Continue reading Life Insurance Companies Drop Coverage for All Billionaires & Ultra Wealthy Due to “High Risk Choices”
REDMOND, WA—Nintendo has announced their boldest game yet: Dr. Mario vs. Big Pharma, a high-octane spinoff where everyone’s favorite mustachioed plumber-turned-physician finally takes aim at the real villains—yacht-owning healthcare executives. In this groundbreaking addition to the franchise, players will guide Mario … Continue reading Nintendo’s New ‘Dr. Mario vs. Big Pharma’ Lets You Drop Giant Pills Directly on Yacht-Owning Executives
When the wealthiest among us keep accumulating and locking away more and more money, two things can happen: 1. If governments don’t print more money, the rest of us — especially the poor and growing populations — face a scarcity … Continue reading Why We Can’t Ignore Wealth Hoarding Anymore
In a move that has officially ended the Israeli-Palestinian War, President Joe Biden announced a groundbreaking deal with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer to mass-produce and distribute personal Gaza Strips to everyone involved in the conflict. Speaking from the Rose Garden, President … Continue reading BREAKING: Biden-Pfizer Deal to Mass Produce Personal Gaza Strips Ends Israeli-Palestinian War Permanently
In an inexplicably strange move that is raising eyebrows and spirits, McDonald’s has announced the newest addition to their menu: the Grandma McFlurry®, taking comfort food to a whole new level. “This innovative dessert offers customers a unique way to … Continue reading New Grandma McFlurry® at McDonald’s Allows You to Mix Grandma’s Ashes With Your Favorite Flavors
Aaron Rodgers has become the highest-paid NFL player ever after signing a 4-year, $200 million deal with the Green Bay Packers, but the 38-year-old quarterback is now telling the press that the team will have to pay him more if … Continue reading Aaron Rodgers Says $200 Million Deal Only Covers Regular Season: ‘Pay Me More For Playoff Wins’
“If you happen to see a working ice cream machine at a McDonald’s just know that you are not in the metaverse and that you are not in reality, Kempczinski warned. “You’re somewhere else and you need to somehow wake up or get the hell out!” Continue reading McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines Also Broken In The Metaverse
Billionaire Elon Musk stunned attendees at The Wall Street Journal’s CEO Council Summit yesterday when he proclaimed that “CEO is a made-up title.” Musk added that he had applied for a formal SEC filing to change his official title to “Sir … Continue reading Elon Musk: ‘CEO Is A Made-Up Title, Call Me Sir Hair Plugs McBlood Emerald’
It might be illegal, but top employers from around the country, including Walmart, Amazon, Kroger, Home Depot, and FedEx have started asking interviewees the screening question: “Who won the 2020 election?” The corporate decision to ask such a question comes … Continue reading Employers Now Asking ‘Who Won The 2020 Election?’ In Job Interviews To Weed Out Crazy Candidates
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is stepping down from his position in order to enter rehab for a severe case of money addiction and to help stop an ongoing identity crisis. Those close to Bezos say that for years the billionaire … Continue reading Jeff Bezos Enters Rehab For Money Addiction & Identity Crisis After Stepping Down As Amazon CEO
“We’re not sure where they come from, I have not clue how people are accidentally bringing them home, but we’re not – under any circumstance – accepting any returns.” Continue reading Duped at the deli counter? How to avoid coming home with a newborn baby again
A new era of vegan-friendly hunting has begun in America. Continue reading You can now hunt plant-based, robo-animals thanks to Beyond Meat
“Because you can’t fire a gun in the bedroom, it can be very difficult for our members to achieve an erection without penis pills.” Continue reading The NRA Spent Hundreds of Millions of Dollars on Viagra for Executives
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max. Continue reading Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly
“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.” Continue reading Over 100 Million Eggs Recalled on Easter Over Concerns They’re Making Kids Gay
“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.” Continue reading Bill Gates Stars as Catwoman in Highly-Anticipated Film
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only. Continue reading McDonald’s is Giving Away Red Heart Disease Awareness T-Shirts With Purchase of Grand Big Mac Meal
The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing. Continue reading NRA Billboards Encourage Mass Shooters to Become Event Planners Instead
