Category: Life
23andMe Discovers Gary Busey & Boris Johnson Are Trump’s Brothers
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki Continue reading 23andMe Discovers Gary Busey & Boris Johnson Are Trump’s Brothers
Study: Guys Use 3X More Lotion Than Girls, and Yes, You Know Why
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.” Continue reading Study: Guys Use 3X More Lotion Than Girls, and Yes, You Know Why
Trump Explains Why He Hasn’t Made a Homophobic Nickname For Pete Buttigieg, Yet
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.” Continue reading Trump Explains Why He Hasn’t Made a Homophobic Nickname For Pete Buttigieg, Yet
The Science of The Butt Dial: How Your Booty Calls People Without You Knowing
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.” Continue reading The Science of The Butt Dial: How Your Booty Calls People Without You Knowing
Betsy DeVos Removes ‘Appreciation’ From National Teacher Appreciation Day
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.” Continue reading Betsy DeVos Removes ‘Appreciation’ From National Teacher Appreciation Day
Tostitos Releases Extreme Mild Salsa For White People
Tostitos describes their new Extreme Mild Clear Salsa for White People® as being a thick, gelatinous substance for those with genetic spice sensitivities. Continue reading Tostitos Releases Extreme Mild Salsa For White People
Johnson & Johnson Releases New ‘Extra Tears’ Baby Shampoo
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.” Continue reading Johnson & Johnson Releases New ‘Extra Tears’ Baby Shampoo
Frustrated Waldo From ‘Where’s Waldo?’ Books Just Wants to Jerk Off in Peace
Back in 1987, the distinctively dressed Waldo set out to have a quick, private wank. Now, 33 years later, what was supposed to be a five minute meat beating bonanza, has turned into a world-wide journey in search of a place to rub one out. Continue reading Frustrated Waldo From ‘Where’s Waldo?’ Books Just Wants to Jerk Off in Peace
Disgusting Lactose Intolerant People Emit the Same Amount of Methane as Dairy Cows
“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung Continue reading Disgusting Lactose Intolerant People Emit the Same Amount of Methane as Dairy Cows
Weird Tech: Watch the Life Story of Animals as You Eat Them
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.” Continue reading Weird Tech: Watch the Life Story of Animals as You Eat Them
MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated. Continue reading MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day
Starbucks is Offering FREE Tattoos This Weekend
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.” Continue reading Starbucks is Offering FREE Tattoos This Weekend
Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos. Continue reading Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Chef Starts Cannibalism Diet Trend Across United States
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden. Continue reading Chef Starts Cannibalism Diet Trend Across United States
National Association of Funeral Directors Says Photos of Dead are ‘On Fleek’
“It’s crazy to say it, but you almost wish they weren’t dead.” Continue reading National Association of Funeral Directors Says Photos of Dead are ‘On Fleek’
Viagra Ends Trump Sponsorship Deal
“The president had been taking Viagra six times a day – one pill with every meal.” – Rudy Giuliani Continue reading Viagra Ends Trump Sponsorship Deal