(New Brunswick, NJ) A new shampoo by Johnson & Johnson containing tons of extra chemicals to induce an intense burning sensation in a newborn’s eyes reached store shelves today.

Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.

Chairman and CEO of Johnson & Johnson, William Weldon, explained how the product works.

“After numerous mixtures were tested on a sample group of approximately 250 unwanted newborns we found that the answer was to use about 1,000 times the normal amount of Sodium Laurly Sulfates, or SLS.”

The sulfates, which are normally found in most shampoos, are what is used to create the foaming bubbles to remove oils from hair.

“Sulfates are also a very powerful irritant. During testing on the babies, we found the added sulfates to dramatically increase the likelihood of a baby to cry; signaling that the tiny human is unhappy, just like the parents,” Weldon state. “So baths of retribution are now an option thanks to Johnson & Johnson,” Weldon said.

Experts are expecting that the new Extra Tears baby shampoo will drastically decrease incidents of baby shaking.

“Instead of punting your child, you can just rub some shampoo in their eyes, throw your head back, and laugh maniacally right in front of their stupid little face,” Weldon concluded.

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Photo Credit Phil Scoville