The Gates of Hell are finally closing after several days of being left wide open while demons attempted to drag Donald Rumsfeld into the fiery pits of hell. Because the gates were left open for so long, the extreme temperatures of Hell impacted the atmosphere enough to cause heatwaves to hit much of the western United States.

“We absolutely did not mean to leave the gates open that long. It’s unprofessional,” Satan stated. “But that fucking Don Rumsfeld put up quite the fight!”

As of press time, Exxon CEO Darren Woods was pouring out a can of oil in Rumsfeld’s memory. Meanwhile – in Hell – the former Secretary of Defense was being waterboarded by a naked Saddam Hussein before being handed off for a merciless beating from the 200,000 innocent civilians who were killed in the Iraq War.