The White House announced the release of Donald Trump’s new, pre-election book titled My Struggle today, prompting the country of Germany to ban the paperback instantly. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that, despite strong pushback, the book will be included as mandatory reading in all schools under Trump’s newly announced Patriotic Education Commission. “Mr. Trump’s new book, which is an autobiographical manifesto, details the hardships that the president has had to endure throughout his life to get to where he is today,” McEnany stated. “From heavy, gold-plated diapers and bone spurs to seven bankruptcies and two failed marriages. It’s all in there. It’s all very humanizing.” The book is set to hit stores next Monday, while millions of free copies will be handed out at US schools. “Because Mr. Trump cares about the education of our children, he has organized a nationwide group called the ‘Trump Youth’ that will be handing out free copies of My Struggle at schools all across the country,” McEnany confirmed.
Looking to completely redo his image, Donald Trump has grown a unique mustache in which the hair is only in the middle portion of his upper lip, and approximately the width of his nose. In addition to this, he’s had a hairstylist give him a stunning, new combover that many supporters are raving about. Notably, the move by trump marks the first time in history that a president has gotten a complete makeover while in office; let alone while running for reelection. “I can’t think of anyone who had a look anything like Mr. Trump’s. Our blond-haired, blue-eyed, charismatic leader may have just started a whole new trend!” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany smiled. “Fuhrermore… furthermore, I think we can all agree that Mr. Trump now looks more commanding and masculine than ever before.” As of Sunday afternoon countless supporters of the president were posting pictures and videos of themselves on social media cutting their hair and shaping their mustaches to match Trump.
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not stand in the way of school openings. All that scientists have are ‘hypothesis’ – which are just guesses,” McEnany stated. “So of course we can open schools, everyone else in the western world – all of our peer nations – are doing it!” Despite the fact that McEnany is completely wrong, and that the United States is doing far worse at handling the pandemic than other first world countries, nobody in the stunned-silent press could muster a single question after she uttered the word “science.” Photo credit Cezary p
Sources inside the White House revealed today that president Trump refuses to wear a mask because he is afraid of the R.L. Stine children’s horror book The Haunted Mask in which a Halloween mask slowly becomes part of the main character’s face and they are unable to remove it. “Ever since reading this Goosebumps book back in 1993, Mr. Trump hasn’t been comfortable putting any sort of mask on his face as he is terrified that it will become permanently attached,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “I think we all need to respect the president and not mock him for his fear.” McEnany also noted something that might explain Trump’s skin color. “The president covers himself in Goo Gone – America’s number one adhesive remover – every morning to ensure that nothing can become stuck to his body. You might think it’s funny, but so far it’s worked.”