Pope Asks all Catholics to Pray Before Oral Intercourse

It is a tradition in Catholic homes, and among many other households, to pray before eating a hearty meal with loved ones. For the faithful, this is an important way of showing thankfulness to God for what they have and what they are about to put into their bodies.

Now Pope Francis is asking all Catholics to say a prayer before engaging in oral sex.

“When you place food or meaty tissue in your mouth – or consume anything really – you should always be thanking God first,” explained Francis. “Especially the lesbians. I am told that they like eating out a lot. Pray before this as well,” the stern Pope admonished.

Naturally some dissenters in the church are pushing back, saying that prayer before fellatio is not something that God would want.

“In its totality, the whole notion is just wrong. Just because God watches everything that we do doesn’t mean that we have to make verbal eye contact with him before a sweet blowey,” uttered Australian Archbishop Phillip Wilson.

“There’s absolutely nothing arousing about reciting ‘Bless us, O’ Lord for these, Thy gifts, which we are about to receive’ before teaching an altar boy the art of playing skin flute. That’s just messed up,” stated Wilson, “It really kills the mood.”

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