Elizabeth Warren Recommends Changing Your Dreamcatcher Filter Every Spring


“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren


Fired-Up Bernie Sanders Sprouts Huge Mustache During Campaign Rally


“I have never been more turned on in my life.” – Juliet Moore, Bernie Sanders Supporter

Democrats Will be Testing Trump’s Grasp of Object Permanence Tonight by Bringing Real People to The State of The Union Address


“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…”

A Furious, Confused Sarah Palin Lashes Out at Black Lives Matter


“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.

Breaking: Obama Uses School Shooting to Defend Gun Owners


Barack Obama, who is by all means a “Lame Duck” president, used the recent school shooting to defend gun owners. This was a surprising move by the leader of the Free World as he decided to use tragedy in order to get everyday Americans to, as he stated, “think for…

Breaking: Pope Francis Admits to Marijuana Usage


The Pope’s admission of cannabis usage understandably resulted in many follow-up questions. Lauren Green, Chief Religion Correspondent for the Fox News Channel, asked Pope Francis why he felt that he was “in any position to speak against so-called ‘modern capitalism’.”

Nervous Rick Perry Unsure How to Count, Put Complete Sentences Together

(Photo by Gage Skidmore. No endorsement implied) Former Presidential hopeful Rick Perry, who stumbled and fell short in his last run for President of the United States has announced that he is running again. However, shortly after his announcement, his campaign team now admits that he can no longer remember what order numbers come in or how to string together words to form a coherent sentence. During a debate the last time he ran, Perry had a brain fart – forgetting a third agency that he would cut altogether as president. It seems that nerves have gotten to Perry again as he has lost all confidence in his mental capabilities. “There are many different ways to organize words into sentences,” Perry campaign manager Geoffrey Miller said. “Unfortunately Rick has lost all abilities to connect the words into logical or complete thoughts.” Counting has also become a problem according to Miller. “Since his announcement to run, Rick has been overwhelmed with anxiety when it comes to listing any number that comes after two,” Miller said. Perry also can’t remember how he gets to places, much like he did during one popular campaign video that landed him, as Perry stated, “somewhere in the woods.” Miller said that this was the last time they were aware of in which Perry “forgot how to speak in a meaningful manner,” and added that “in all likelihood we won’t have him in any campaign videos.” Miller stated that most people on the Perry campaign are so used to speaking that few of them are comfortable explaining to the candidate how to talk like a normal human being. “It’s not like baking a cake,” Miller said. “There is no simple recipe to assembling a sentence.” Indeed, just citing different parts of speech and trying to explain how to link them together leaves Perry with a blank, distant look in his eyes. “Terms like nouns, proper nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, articles, conjunctions, and prepositions have perplexed former Governor Perry,” Miller said. “In fact the only thing he seems to understand is what and interjection is. Which is a word that can usually stand alone.” According to aides, Perry has nailed the ability to yell words like ‘ouch!’ and ‘wow!’ but past that he stumbles. Because of this, much of the fundraising efforts are slated to go toward creating an android lookalike of Rick Perry that will have prerecorded responses to questions that reporters and debate moderators could ask – as well as the ability to have speeches programmed into it. Should Perry win, the campaign team is still up-in-the-air as to whether the android, or Rick Perry, would run the country. Thank you for reading our latest article. For more of the latest follow us on Facebook.