Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than 5% of his following,” Biden stated. “We can’t be whiny mooncalves who can’t handle a tiny group of rapscallions. Y’all need to buck-up and move on. There’s a block button for a reason.” Meanwhile, an overwhelming majority of Sanders supporters – who all condemned the so-called “Bernie Bros” – had already returned their focus to trivial issues such as climate change and universal healthcare.
Pete Buttigieg just confirmed multiple reports regarding a 2019 meeting between himself and Bernie Sanders in which they disagreed on whether a bottom could win the 2020 presidential election. “Among the topics that came up was could a bottom win the presidency. I thought a bottom could win; he disagreed,” Buttigieg said in a statement. Meanwhile Sander’s denied the comment in a press release, stating “I’ve always said that it took strength and endurance to be a bottom. I have nothing but respect for bottoms. Besides, Al Gore already won the popular vote back in 2000; so of course a bottom could win.”
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising last quarter. The president raked in $46 million; some of which will be used to keep excess skin pulled back from his face and stapled to the back of his scalp. The White House says Trump is also setting money aside to pay for an imminent quadruple bypass. Here’s how much money other elderly candidates raised last quarter to put toward personal medical care in case Trump wins again and the US healthcare system remains an unaffordable dumpster fire. Senator Bernie Sanders, 78: $34.5 millionStaffers say Sanders plans to replace his heart, which doctors and political experts agree is way too large. Former Vice President Joe Biden, 77: $22.7 millionJoe Biden will be using much of his money to fight his near-constant battle with lice which could easily be solved if he’d stop sniffing women’s hair. Sadly, the campaign is also looking into treatment for early onset Alzheimer’s as complete thoughts and sentences have become difficult for Biden to verbalize. Senator Elizabeth Warren, 70: $17 million. Being female, Warren is expected to have less medical issues, but she’s developed a drinking problem on the campaign trail in a misguided and racist effort to “become more Native American”. Warren will be needing a liver transplant before the end of 2020. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, 77: Refuses donations, uses his own money. Bloomberg – a billionaire – has had so many body parts replaced that he’s 87% robot and could be one of the first humans to live forever.
After experiencing discomfort in his chest last night, Senator Bernie Sanders went ahead and shouted at a blockage in his arteries until it cleared and his blood pressure returned to normal. “I’m not going to sit here and let 1% of my body shut down the other 99%,” Sanders confirmed. Unlike with their typical patients, doctors are recommending that the Senator continue with the loud, guttural shouting to keep his blood pumping regularly. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Senator Bernie Sanders celebrated his 78th birthday at his Vermont home today with friends, family, food and a big birthday cake. When the group finished singing Happy Birthday, Sanders – in a single 78-second shout – blew out all of the candles on the cake. In the process, the presidential candidate set off several nearby car alarms and shattered his own glasses.
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
“I have never been more turned on in my life.” – Juliet Moore, Bernie Sanders Supporter