President Trump is refusing to recall nearly 37 million bananas after discovering that genetically modified seeds had retained penile DNA as the result of a laboratory incident involving lewd acts between Trump’s Head of the FDA, Martin Makary, and a … Continue reading Trump Refuses to Recall 37 Million Bananas Containing Head of FDA’s Penis DNA
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a grotesque spectacle, President Donald Trump is defending his now-viral Big Mac cheese mustache he wore while signing executive orders that targeted sanctuary cities, insisting the look was entirely “intentional.” Reporters were quick to point out … Continue reading Trump Says Big Mac Cheese Mustache Was ‘Intentional’ During Executive Order Signing
Men across the globe are abandoning meat overnight after a groundbreaking Harvard University study revealed that a healthy, plant-based diet is directly linked to increased blood flow, penis size, and harder erections. The study found that 89% of men who … Continue reading BREAKING: Most Men Worldwide Convert to Veganism After Study Shows Diet Increases Penis Size
🥂🍻🥃🍷 I BET AT LEAST 10%-15% of the 🇺🇸 U.S. is ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL 🍾🍺🍶 THERE’S AT LEAST 7 EMOJIS FOR IT 🤣😿 😈🥬💨 It’s FAR worse than the devil’s lettuce. Nobody talks about it, yet it’s everywhere—on TV, in … Continue reading I BET AT LEAST 10%-15% of the 🇺🇸 U.S. is ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL
In an inexplicably strange move that is raising eyebrows and spirits, McDonald’s has announced the newest addition to their menu: the Grandma McFlurry®, taking comfort food to a whole new level. “This innovative dessert offers customers a unique way to … Continue reading New Grandma McFlurry® at McDonald’s Allows You to Mix Grandma’s Ashes With Your Favorite Flavors
Kellogg’s has made a bold move in rebranding one of their beloved cereal mascots, Tony the Tiger, as Tanya. Yes, you heard that right, Tony has undergone a gender transformation, and the breakfast world will never be the same! Gone … Continue reading Goodbye Tony, Hello Tanya: Kellogg’s Reveals First Transgender Cereal Mascot!
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is now offering NATO beer and pizza if they agree to come help clear out Russian planes from Ukrainian airspace. “It’s not much. Just a few little planes here and there. It shouldn’t take more than … Continue reading Zelensky Now Offering NATO Beer & Pizza If They’ll Help Clear Out Ukrainian Airspace
Little Caesars announced today that in honor of Women’s History Month the pizza chain will be selling the all-new ‘MaxiPizza’ – which is simply a maxi pad-shaped pizza topped with pepperoni. Little Caesars CEO David Scrivano spoke briefly with reporters … Continue reading Little Caesars’ All-New ‘MaxiPizza’ To Be Released For Women’s History Month
“If you happen to see a working ice cream machine at a McDonald’s just know that you are not in the metaverse and that you are not in reality, Kempczinski warned. “You’re somewhere else and you need to somehow wake up or get the hell out!” Continue reading McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines Also Broken In The Metaverse
According to sources at Fox News, entertainer Tucker Carlson has spent the last few days disillusioned, crying and upset that the Mars company has made their green M&M character “less sexy” by swapping out her high heels for regular shoes. … Continue reading Tucker Carlson Livid That The Green M&M Is ‘No Longer Fuckable’
The NFL announced today that starting next weekend the league will be using plant-based, vegan footballs. The historic change comes after Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference in which he spent over an hour telling reporters why he’s … Continue reading NFL Will Use ‘Animal-Free’ Footballs Now That Tom Brady Is Going Vegan
Pizza chain Little Caesars announced today that they have completely overhauled the ingredients that they use to make their pizza crusts, but that they’ve done absolutely nothing to make the rest of the pizza more palatable. “We went ahead and … Continue reading Little Caesars: ‘We Improved The Crust, But The Rest Of The Pizza Is Still Absolute Trash’
Pope Francis gave a short speech today in which he expressed a deep concern over the fact that the image of Jesus has not appeared on any snacks or breakfast foods for a very, very long time. The Pope says … Continue reading Pope ‘Deeply Concerned’ As Image Of Jesus Hasn’t Appeared On Waffles, Chips, Fries Or Toast In A Very Long Time
Known for dabbling in politics, ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s is set to release a new ‘Israeli-Palestinian Conflict’ flavor that’s just chocolate and vanilla that is impossible to mix together. “What you’re basically getting here is the choice to … Continue reading Ben & Jerry’s To Release New Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ice Cream That’s Just Chocolate & Vanilla That Refuses To Mix
Afraid to speak up, shopper Meaghan Swallsworth just decided to pick up a nearby item and pretend to inspect it while actually waiting for some guy at the grocery store to get the fuck out of her way. Trying her … Continue reading Woman Pretends To Inspect Nearby Item While Fellow Shopper Stands In The Way Of Thing She Actually Wants
CHARLOTTESVILLE, NC – Historians are calling into question the exact purpose of Confederate statues after a statue of Robert E. Lee cracked while being removed and pounds of Civil War era candy spilled out. Historian Debbie Arnato says it’s quite … Continue reading Intentions For Confederate Statues In Question After One Cracks During Removal & Candy Spills Out
The anti-food waste company Too Good To Go sells food that’s left over, or won’t be sold, through their app. The food, which comes from restaurants, bakeries and grocery stores, is delivered as a surprise grab bag of food that … Continue reading App Lets Eco-Conscious Users Buy Leftovers Instead Of Just Giving Food To The Homeless
