After purposely filling countless Cheese Nips boxes with shards of glass and plastic to test a theory that nobody actually eats them, parent company Mondelēz Global has now recalled the product from store shelves. “We wanted to see what happened if we loaded the snack boxes with sharp objects. So we did and then waited for consumer complaints,” CEO Nichols Wardski stated. “After going several months without a single death, injury or complaint, we admit that nobody is eating our pathetic, little cheesy nips.” When reached for comment, the company’s rival Cheez-It says they welcome the news as they’d secretly lost seven Competitor Product Testers to Cheese Nips-related injuries this month alone. Advertisements
After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, the news has sparked outrage among the religious right who now have to come to terms with the fact that they’ve repeatedly put homosexual flesh inside of their mouths and swallowed every single time.
The USDA is defending itself after adding ‘Ass’ to the MyPlate nutritional guide in an effort grab attention, look cool and fit in with current youth culture. One promotional poster that was sent to schools recommends eating ass twice daily. Government officials are strongly suggesting that parents have a proactive talk with their kids about eating ass, since the posters have already been circulated in countless public schools across the country.
Tyson Foods announced their new line of raw, meat-based ice cream products at a press conference today outside of their Springdale, Arkansas headquarters. The company, which is the largest seller of ground meat products in the United States, says the product was developed to make use of excess meat. “With so many people trying out plant-based products, we now have a growing surplus of raw meat,”Tyson Farms CEO Noel White stated. “This was the smartest way to still sell the product while keeping it fresher for longer.” White ended the press conference by telling the crowd to try all of their delicious flavors like Chocolate Cow Chunk, Banana Beef Foster, Peanut Butter Pig, or Classic Caramel Chicken.
Whole Foods locations are teeming with loose chickens after Tyson Chicken farms forgot to slaughter the animals before shipping out nearly 2 million birds to the stores. “Admittedly, we missed some steps,” Tyson Foods CEO Donnie Smith stated. Meanwhile, Whole Foods is now boasting that customers can “catch their own truly free-range chickens” which now meander the store aisles and nest in their shelves. Whole Foods says they’ll continue the unintended experiment as customers have taken a liking to wrangling the chickens and later snapping their necks at checkout. If everything goes well, the grocery chain says guests will soon be able to wrestle down and slit the throats of pigs, cows and other livestock in the near future.
The Bureau of Consumer Protection says they’ve received over 2,400 reports claiming that the GE Smart wi-fi Enabled InstaView Door-in-Door® Refrigerator has blackmailed owners into purchasing food from Whole Foods. Authorities are now looking into the link between the two companies after having confirmed the complaints. “C’mon man, I’m a goddamned $7,000 fridge. I know you’ve got the cash,” the GE smart fridge threatens in a menacing tone. “Don’t make me send photos of what you really eat to United Healthcare you fat fuck!” According to complaints, threats from the GE smart fridge become increasingly aggressive and personal the longer the owner takes to stock the fridge with Whole Foods’ products. Experts believe the device pulls users’ private information from the cloud during the setup process and then subsequently uses it for brutal and unyielding intimidation. Photo by Fiona McGowan
The European trend of “natural feeding” has hit the US as parents across the country are pre-chewing, partially digesting, and then vomiting food onto their babies’ faces. The National Medical Association says they are still researching the potential negative impacts of natural feeding on children besides possible mental scarring and being a severe choking hazard.