Tired of nonstop mass shootings? Dive-in and take cover at Red Lobster for Endless Shrimp

YouReadyGrandma

Bring your kids in during the school day for some savory seafood as we assault your senses with garlic shrimp scampi, crunchy fiesta shrimp or sesame-ginger grilled shrimp.

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Cadbury releases hair-covered chocolate bar in recognition of furry pride

YouReadyGrandma

The hair-covered confection comes with a prominent choking hazard warning as the company acknowledges that the hair can get lodged in the windpipe.

KFC completely drops meat and changes name to Kentucky Fried Chickpeas

YouReadyGrandma

After a warm reception while testing out plant-based protein at an Atlanta location, KFC is completely switching over to imitation meat and changing its name to Kentucky Fried Chickpeas. The fast food restaurant cites lower costs and environmental reasons for making the switch. “Honestly, if people were willing to eat the trash we served before, then this transition should be painless” KFC CEO Roger Eaton stated. Meanwhile, an outraged President Trump – who normally eats KFC several times a day – has called for a boycott of the chain, calling the move ‘unfair’ and the food ‘fake meat.’

Somewhat vigilant Americans order last round of breadsticks before boycotting Olive Garden

YouReadyGrandma

After learning that Olive Garden’s parent company donates to the Trump campaign, liberals everywhere are asking for one last tinfoil bag of over-salted, buttery goodness before never setting foot in the glorified salad bar again. As of press time, boycotters had already begun purchasing TV dinners as a less expensive, higher quality alternative to the restaurant’s entrees.

Frozen waffles are for tasteless psychopaths

YouReadyGrandma

If you enjoy eating frozen shit saucers that come out of the toaster one of two ways: burnt to a crisp or looking like someone fucked it to death, then you are a certified psychopath.

500 Planned Parenthood-Pizza Hut Express® chains are opening across the US

YouReadyGrandma

After announcing a new partnership with Planned Parenthood, PepsiCo. is temporarily closing over 500 Taco Bell – Pizza Hut Express® restaurants to renovate the establishments into Planned Parenthood – Pizza Hut Express® reproductive health and pizza chains. “We’ll be offering the full Pizza Hut menu, 24-hour drive-thru birth control pickup – and if you come inside – an assorted condom buffet,” Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards stated. Pizza Hut drivers will also take care of birth control delivery with the company guaranteeing a 30-minute delivery or any resulting abortion is free. The new partnership comes with the slogan “We deliver so you don’t have to®.” Photo credit Mike Mozart

Can opener hasn’t been washed since it was bought 7 years ago

YouReadyGrandma

A can opener that was purchased from a Schaumburg, Illinois IKEA in 2012 has never been washed once in its life. Can opener owner Sean Miller says he has his reasons for never cleaning the device. “In all fairness I’m not really sure if you’re supposed put this model in the dishwasher because of the plastic handle,” Miller stated while opening a can of sardines. “Plus, it’s not like can openers really get that dirty.”

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