Civil War 'Unlikely' as Most Trump Supporters Are Sick With COVID

Civil War ‘Unlikely’ as Most Trump Supporters Are Sick With COVID

Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise … Continue reading Civil War ‘Unlikely’ as Most Trump Supporters Are Sick With COVID

Trump Checked Into Hospital After Hearing Loud Booing Sound Everywhere He Goes

Trump Checked Into Hospital For Hearing ‘Loud Booing Sound’ Everywhere He Goes

After telling his staff that he has been hearing a loud, irritating booing noise “pretty much everywhere” he goes, president Trump was quickly checked into Walter Reed Hospital to be seen by doctors. Once there, medical experts were quick to … Continue reading Trump Checked Into Hospital For Hearing ‘Loud Booing Sound’ Everywhere He Goes

Rand Paul licks and slobbers on doorknob while encouraging americans to achieve herd immunity

Rand Paul Licks & Slobbers on Door Handle While Encouraging Americans to Achieve Herd Immunity

Senator Rand Paul incorrectly asserted today that New York City has achieved herd immunity from COVID-19 and that the rest of the US should follow suit. Paul then proceeded to get down on his knees to lick and slobber on … Continue reading Rand Paul Licks & Slobbers on Door Handle While Encouraging Americans to Achieve Herd Immunity

sentient toothbrush wants you to throw it out already

Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already

(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m … Continue reading Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already

CDC: Expect a Return to Your Normal, Shitty Life By the End of 2021

CDC Director Robert Redfield told a Senate panel today that he believes a COVID-19 vaccine should be available soon and that “US citizens can expect to return to their normal, shitty lives by the end of 2021.” “We know the … Continue reading CDC: Expect a Return to Your Normal, Shitty Life By the End of 2021

Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®

A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after … Continue reading Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®

Covid-19 for dummies NY Times best seller

New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List

With misinformation running rampant across the US, a new ‘COVID-19 For Dummies’ book series created to spread truth has taken over the New York Times Best-Sellers list just two days after they hit the shelves. Notably, the books are said … Continue reading New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List

Trump to Ban Dating Apps as Fauci Calls For ‘Slut Shaming’ to Curb Pandemic

President Trump put out a statement today in which he said he would be banning all dating apps with an executive order in the coming week. The move comes after experts found that random sexual encounters were fueling the pandemic. … Continue reading Trump to Ban Dating Apps as Fauci Calls For ‘Slut Shaming’ to Curb Pandemic

Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating

Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before … Continue reading Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating

Disney World to Remain COVID-Free After Virus Admits It ‘Can’t Justify the Cost of a Day Pass’

(Orlando, FL) Disney World guests breathed a collective sigh of relief today as it was confirmed that the coronavirus would not be entering the gates of the world-famous amusement park. The news broke just moments ago when the virus itself … Continue reading Disney World to Remain COVID-Free After Virus Admits It ‘Can’t Justify the Cost of a Day Pass’

Death Row Inmate Kicked Out of Prison For Refusing to Wear a Mask

57-year-old death row inmate and serial killer Kyle Perklans was forcibly removed from the Louisiana State Penitentiary today after refusing to follow the institution’s mask guidelines. Perklans, who was scheduled to die from lethal injection on Saturday night, is now … Continue reading Death Row Inmate Kicked Out of Prison For Refusing to Wear a Mask

Study: 1 in 3 Americans Too Stupid to Help Fight Pandemic

A recent study published by Princeton reveals that approximately 31% of Americans are not smart enough to understand how a virus spreads, why they should be wearing masks, or how their reckless behavior is forcing states to re-close businesses. “Not … Continue reading Study: 1 in 3 Americans Too Stupid to Help Fight Pandemic

Trump: ‘America Is Stockpiling Coronavirus to Use at a Later Date’

An explanation for the United States’ abysmal handling of the coronavirus has come to light after Trump stated that he has been trying to quietly build up America’s COVID-19 bioweapon stockpile ever since the virus reached the country. Specifically, the … Continue reading Trump: ‘America Is Stockpiling Coronavirus to Use at a Later Date’

The Pope Calls Trump Supporters Evil at Worst Stupid at Best

Pope Francis Calls Trump Supporters ‘Evil at Worst, Stupid at Best’

During an evening address at the Vatican, Pope Francis made remarks on the coronavirus and the state of the world that included harsh words for US president Donald Trump and his supporters. “Truly I tell you, there is a reason … Continue reading Pope Francis Calls Trump Supporters ‘Evil at Worst, Stupid at Best’

Trump Virus American Flu

The UN is Now Officially Calling COVID-19 the ‘Trump Virus’

President Trump has referred to COVID-19 as the ‘Kung Flu,’ ‘Wuhan Virus,’ and the ‘Chinese virus,’ but now the script has been flipped as the General Assembly of the United Nations voted today to begin officially calling coronavirus the ‘Trump … Continue reading The UN is Now Officially Calling COVID-19 the ‘Trump Virus’