The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they will be detaining and quarantining all Trump rally-goers in Tulsa, Oklahoma immediately after the president finishes his speech. People in the building will have no choice in the matter … Continue reading CDC to Quarantine Tulsa Rally-Goers Immediately After Trump Finishes His Speech
UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole … Continue reading UCLA Football Fires Chip Kelly, Hires Dr. Anthony Fauci as Head Coach
A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and … Continue reading Staffers Add Dollar Sign, Comma & Three Zeroes to Death Toll in Attempt to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously
Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced this afternoon that president Donald Trump has been banned from her state. The announcement comes hours after Trump broke state law by not wearing a face mask during his visit to a Michigan Ford plant … Continue reading Michigan Bans Trump, Revokes ‘Man of The Year’ Award
(Franklin, WI) Having just been picked up by a despondent 34-year-old in a depressed haze, this 30-count bottle of Lexapro has no fucking clue what it’s gotten itself into. Continue reading Bottle of Antidepressants in Way Over Its Head
Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who … Continue reading Chloroform Drug Trials Prove Successful in Subduing Those Refusing to Socially Distance
There are no laws in the state of Wisconsin anymore after a shocking 4-3 decision by the state Supreme Court found today that none of the state’s laws, or even the constitution itself, are constitutional. In the majority opinion conservative … Continue reading Wisconsin Supreme Court Suspends All Laws, Citing Infringement on Personal Freedoms
A group of over 200 immunology experts from around the world released a letter today begging Americans to “keep a safe distance of at least six channels from Fox News.” The letter listed several reasons for for the warning. “Fox … Continue reading Medical Experts Recommend Staying at Least 6 Channels Away From Fox News
Lines, foot traffic, parking, and people have now become reasonable at Costco locations across the country thanks to a nationwide boycott of the chain by idiots who refuse to follow the store’s mask-wearing requirement. Costco says the boycott has ‘undoubtedly … Continue reading Costco: ‘Mask Boycott Has Undoubtedly Improved the Quality of Our Clientele’
God is facing criticism from Trump and his supporters after the president issued an angry, ranting, hour-long address on the National Day of Prayer that repeatedly trashed the deity for allowing the Coronavirus to get out of control. “Dear big … Continue reading Furious Trump Unloads On God for ‘Allowing Coronavirus to Get Out of Control’
After finally removing all of the filth and grime from NYC subways last night with a thorough cleaning, the NYC Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) excitedly announced this morning that they had found a $20 bill in the process. Upon hearing … Continue reading NYC Might Clean Its Streets For the First Time After Finding $20 Bill While Disinfecting Their Subway
Sporting vibrant red lipstick and holding up signs offering free kisses, countless protesters in Huntington Beach, California and Springfield, Illinois completely ignored government social distancing rules over the weekend by gathering together and passionately planting kisses on one another. “This … Continue reading Protesters Set Up ‘COVID Kissing Booths’ in the Face of Government Warnings
Experts at the World Health Organization (WHO) released a pointed statement today revealing that they hope to open all Americans up to COVID-19 facts and teach them basic reasoning skills by early June – with the end goal being to … Continue reading Experts Say They Hope to Open America Up to Facts, Reason By Early June
(Rochester, MN) The Mayo Clinic medical center announced today that it is weighing the pros and cons of offering non-mayonnaise-based treatments for the first time in their 156 years of operation. “After reporting zero breakthroughs in our COVID-19 testing labs … Continue reading Mayo Clinic Considering Using Something Other Than Mayonnaise to Treat Patients
An in-depth study by the University of California-Berkeley revealed today that the number of Americans who drown in a swimming pool last year far surpassed the amount of people who have ever received any helpful advice from Dr. Phil. “In … Continue reading Study: More Americans Drown in Swimming Pools Last Year Than Have Ever Received Useful Advice From Dr. Phil
Just three days after retweeting a call for Dr. Anthony Fauci’s removal, Donald Trump made the firing official today by axing the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. The president’s decision was announced Thursday afternoon immediately … Continue reading Fauci Out, Undertaker In: Trump Replaces Head Immunologist With Pro Wrestling Legend
During his daily briefing with the press today, president Trump announced he had signed an executive order allowing the government to completely demolish nearly 8,000 Curves locations across the US. The president claims the move is the “next logical step” … Continue reading Trump Signs Executive Order to Flatten Curves Fitness Locations
During a press conference at the Norfolk Navy Base today president Trump was asked by a reporter if he had a personal ventilator set aside for himself. The president surprised everyone with his answer. “You don’t have to be hit … Continue reading Trump Has Ventilators For Every Family Member Except Tiffany and Eric
