Vicks announced the release of their new DayTrippin’ formula today at their Denver, Colorado headquarters. The first-of-its-kind medicine, which causes intense hallucinations, is now available over the counter. The medicine is legal to sell in Denver because residents approved an ordinance decriminalizing psilocybin back in May. “If you’ve ever been sick, but still wanted to feel incredibly fucking fantastic, then Vicks has the answer for you: all-new Vicks Daytrippin’ formula,” CEO Dan Waverly stated. “This fast-acting, psilocybin-laced cough syrup has everything you need if you’re looking to experience altered consciousness, clear up congestion, quiver from intense euphoria and ego death, relieve sinus pressure, and enjoy the sensation of flight all at the same time.” Advertisements
The USDA is defending itself after adding ‘Ass’ to the MyPlate nutritional guide in an effort grab attention, look cool and fit in with current youth culture. One promotional poster that was sent to schools recommends eating ass twice daily. Government officials are strongly suggesting that parents have a proactive talk with their kids about eating ass, since the posters have already been circulated in countless public schools across the country.
Physician to the president Sean Conley revealed today that president Trump’s massive butt-cheek implants have been leaking lead into his bloodstream for months; maybe even years. “Symptoms of lead poisoning include learning disabilities, constipation, hyperactivity, and irritability,” Conley stated. “The president checks all of those boxes, but it’s a small price to pay to look like Kim Kardashian.” Trump campaign staffers say it’s unlikely the president will remove the implants as he uses them to clap for himself at rallies.
In a morning news conference with reporters president Trump took the better part of an hour to share his own war story: The Battle of The Bone Spurs. “People were coming at me from left and right. Every angle folks, every angle,” Trump stated. “And just as the Enlisting Forces were about to take me captive, and likely kill me, because they’re killers these people; I evaded the enemy with a doctor’s note.” “So am I a hero?” Trump grinned while placing the Purple Heart around his own neck. “I don’t know. You tell me.”
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.”
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills a day. “My Donald, he is completely full of shit,” Melania confirmed. “So it is very important that he gets his fiber or he gets cranky and bloated. This is the only way I could get him to eat it.” Photo by Lisa Yarost
After experiencing discomfort in his chest last night, Senator Bernie Sanders went ahead and shouted at a blockage in his arteries until it cleared and his blood pressure returned to normal. “I’m not going to sit here and let 1% of my body shut down the other 99%,” Sanders confirmed. Unlike with their typical patients, doctors are recommending that the Senator continue with the loud, guttural shouting to keep his blood pumping regularly. Photo credit Gage Skidmore