Ventilators Removed From Patients & Burned As Republicans Declare Pandemic Over

Several Republican members of Congress declared today that the Covid pandemic – which has caused nearly 800,000 deaths in the United States – is now over. As the news spread throughout the country, countless right wing hospital workers started removing ventilators from Covid patients and setting the life-saving medical devices aflame in nearby dumpsters.

“After two years of liberal leaders forcing stupid Covid rules on American citizens, today I can confidently announce that the pandemic is over,” Republican congressman Jim Jordan grinned. “We’re also very close to ending other bad things. Things that have plagued our great nation, such as cancer, gravity, abortions, hurricanes, facts, and science. You name it, we’re pretty much done with it, except for gun violence. We need more guns to solve that one.”

When asked for a response during a press briefing, President Joe Biden bent down and whispered into the microphone, “You can’t just bury your head in the sand like a silly ostrich. Okay? Or stick your head up your A-S-S. Or plug your ears while saying ‘I’m not listening’ over and over. That’s not how reality works.”

Covid deaths immediately began spiking across the country as ventilators were removed.

“If people can’t breath without a ventilator, then they are responsible for purchasing their own,” Jim Jordan stated. “We’re not doing government handouts anymore. They need to take a deep breath, pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, get out of the hospital bed, and head to the nearest ventilator shop. I can hold my breath for 15 minutes. I do it every day!”

Photo credit aeroix

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