Biden’s hair came from his soundproof hobby room where he keeps his personal collection of real hair, mannequins and doll parts. Continue reading Staff Forces Joe Biden to Get Hair Plugs So He’ll Stop Smelling Women’s Hair
“It’s safe to say that most residents of the state of Mississippi have been vegetarian, or close to it, since 2009.” – Governor Phil Bryant Continue reading Mississippi Has Been Feeding Its Unsuspecting Residents Vegan, Plant-Based Protein Since 2009
“An investigation will show Melania’s knockers were implanted by the Russians to spy on our great nation.” Continue reading President Jimmy Carter Says Melania Trump’s Boobs Were Put In Place By The Russians
“It’s Adam and Summer’s Eve, not Ben and Jerry; although, some Victoria’s Secret and Lane Bryant experimentation sounds intriguing,” Trump tweeted. Continue reading Supreme Court Rules “Corporations Can Also Be Gay People”
“We’re asking that all passengers take a look in overhead storage and under their seats to avoid crushing the reptiles and to assist in their capture.” Continue reading Southwest Airline’s ‘Take Your Snake to Work Day’ Backfires Horribly
President Trump celebrated his 73rd birthday by getting a tattoo of Pepe the Frog on his right butt cheek. Continue reading Fresh Ink: Trump Gets Pepe The Frog Tattoo For His Birthday
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.” Continue reading Ghost of John McCain Announces 2020 Presidential Bid
“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.” Continue reading Yes, There’s a Parallel Universe Where You Aren’t a Total Piece of Shit
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.” Continue reading New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki Continue reading 23andMe Discovers Gary Busey & Boris Johnson Are Trump’s Brothers
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton. Continue reading Elizabeth Warren Becomes Spokeswoman for New Lesbian Dating App Mufflr
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.” Continue reading Republican Bill Blocking Funding for Planned Parenthood Aborted on US Senate Floor
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.” Continue reading Trump Ends Capitalism in The United States
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
Continue reading Radical Religious Group “Y’all-Qaeda” Bans Abortion in Alabama
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.” Continue reading The Science of The Butt Dial: How Your Booty Calls People Without You Knowing
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces. Continue reading Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.” Continue reading Betsy DeVos Removes ‘Appreciation’ From National Teacher Appreciation Day
