The state of Mississippi admitted today that it had secretly banned beef, chicken and pork from being sold within state lines back in 2009. Then, without telling residents, legislators subbed in plant-based protein in its place; all in an effort to battle climate change.

“We Republicans were too embarrassed to come out of the closet back then and admit to the world that we believed in global warming,” Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant stated. “To help combat human-caused climate change, we covertly secured contracts with Beyond Meat, Tofurky, Boca and Morningstar to feed our citizens their imitation meats. Because of this, it’s safe to say that our three million residents have been vegetarian – or close to – it since 2009.”

State Republicans claim that thanks to Mississippians unknowingly being vegetarians for a decade, approximately 11 billion animal lives have been saved and the state’s carbon footprint was decreased by 87%.

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